Fifty Cent Tuesdays

I Love John Krasinski...I Mean, Leatherheads is Cool!

2008-04-06T16:14:00.009-05:00

Before I get into the review, I should mention something: I may not be the most reliable critic for this movie. The fact is that John Krasinski is my soulmate. I mean, we haven’t talked about it or anything, but I’m pretty sure if we met, he would agree. So, obviously, the movie could be two hours of him tying his shoes and I’d love it. Which is not to say that you should discount my enjoyment of Leatherheads, but you know, I’m kinda in love with one of the stars.

So now that that’s out of the way, on to the movie. It’s actually good -- mainly because both George Clooney and John Krasinski are ridiculously charming. Clooney plays Dodge Connelly, an over-the-hill pro football player in the nascent years of the sport. Krasinski plays Carter Rutherford, a college football player / war hero that Connelly convinces to join his team in an effort to legitimize the professional league.

All of this would be peachy, except that there needs to be a love interest to make the movie fun, and for some reason, they decided to cast Renee Zellweger as newspaper reporter Lexie Littleton. I didn’t hate her as much as I anticipated; Zellweger can definitely keep up with the zippy dialogue, and she has the annoyed eye-roll down pat. But there’s something wrong with her face and her voice was really grating. Which is especially noticeable in Leatherheads, since her male co-stars both have the most wonderful voices that ever existed.

Anyway, while Dodge and Carter drum up enthusiasm for the professional football league, Lexie snoops around trying to uncover the truth behind Carter’s war heroism. Obviously a love triangle emerges and, astonishingly, Lexie doesn’t spend much time agonizing over who she wants. I need to point out again just how charming Krasinski is in this role -- it’s a little unbelievable that Lexie has no interest in him at all, but maybe Zellweger couldn’t see clearly out of her squinty, squinty eyes.

The main thing to say about the movie stylistically is that Clooney, who also directed, tried to pattern Leatherheads off of old-school screwball comedies – think It Happened One Night or Bringing Up Baby. This means lost of fast talking and word play. For example when a man tells Renee Zellweger he didn’t come here to be insulted, she archly asks him, “Well, where do you normally go?” And though sadly, Krasinski has less to do in this department than Clooney or Zellweger, all three of the leads know how to keep pace and deliver a zinger.

Too bad Leatherheads is two hours long and it drags a bit as the larger, external events start to take their toll on the characters. But the dialogue is really fun and the movie looks lovely, with lots of warm golden hues in the costumes and sets. So, yeah, it’s a good movie. It could have been great with a little more time in the editing booth and a little less…you know, Renee Zellweger. However, as the characters in Leatherheads find out, you can’t always have it all.

Final note: The casting of Renee Zellweger is just the most recent in a string of female lead problems in the movies lately. (See: Hillary Swank in PS: I Love You, Kate Bosworth in 21, or Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses.) Are there no good, young actresses in Hollywood? Was Rachel McAdams busy? Because, seriously, until this issue is addressed, I think she needs to be on call at all times. She’s charming and cute and smart. Let her have all the lead roles in romantic comedies…at least in Lindsay Lohan gets back on her feet. Ha! Just kidding.

No need to run to see Fat Boy

2008-04-04T11:00:00.002-05:00

Run, Fat Boy, Run stars Simon Pegg whose previously leading roles came in Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, both great movies. But not only did Pegg star in those movies, he also co-wrote them with director, Edgar Wright. Considering previous awesomeness, Run, Fat Boy, Run should be a great movie as Pegg stars in and co-wrote the picture. Too bad the director this time is David Schwimmer (Ross? Really?) and Pegg’s writing partner was Michael Ian Black. Judging from this result, apparently Edgar Wright’s role in the previous movies was winnowing down the number of stereotypical and annoying sidekicks.

It’s not all bad. Run, Fat Boy, Run is generally funny as follows Pegg’s Dennis’ attempts to get his life on track after running out on his preggers fiancé, Libby, (Thandi Newtown) on their wedding day. He works as a security guard at a lingerie store, constantly locks himself out of his apartment and deals with his rotund landlord, a man who’s very unhappy that Dennis can never seem to pay his rent. The only bright spot in Dennis’ life is his son, Jake…that is until Libby starts dating Whit, played by a seriously buff Hank Azaria.

Whit turns out to be charming, rich and magnanimous too, as he runs marathons for charity. So, Dennis does the obvious thing and…starts running marathons? Couldn’t he have just decided to get hot and rich instead? It seems less painful. But this raises a confusing point for me: Hank Azaria was really hot in this movie. Like, really hot. Disconcertingly so. Doesn’t he know he’s a cartoon character voice? He’s Chief Wiggum/ Apu/ Sea Captain! None of those people are hot. Hank Azaria is, apparently. And it was disturbing.

Anyway, as the movie turns to Dennis’ training, it starts to drag. There are only so many times it’s funny to watch a fat guy on a scooter swat Pegg’s pasty legs with a spatula. Sounds funny? Right, it is -- just that once. But, Dennis trains, Whit turns out to be a jerk, and things end well, but not too treacley, I suppose. There are just too many background characters and not enough Nick Frost, who’s really the only sidekick Simon Pegg will ever need in my book. In the end, not a great movie, but, hey, much better than I expected from this guy -->

Horton Hears an AWESOME

2008-04-03T18:59:00.006-05:00

I’m trying to think of ways to be snarky about this movie, but I really can’t. It’s just so, so good. And gorgeous to look at. There are scenes in the movie that made me want to ask the projectionist to pause so I could just sit and stare at the screen for a few minutes.

The basic story, for those of you who skipped 2^nd grade, is that Horton the elephant, voiced by Jim Carrey, hears a sound come from a spec floating through his idyllic jungle home. Horton discovers that the spec is actually home to tiny Whoville. Horton makes friends with the Mayor of Whoville (Steve Carrell) and, being the lovely creature that he is, decides to take the spec, now resting on a flower, somewhere safe.

This is threatening apparently to a purple kangaroo that lives in the jungle. Kangaroo (Carol Burnett) tells Horton to get rid of the spec and when he won’t, all sorts of awful things happen. Like Kangaroo hiring a vulture named Vlad to go after Horton and destroy the spec. Vlad is voiced by Will Arnett and I don’t think I need to tell you how awesome that is. I do need to warn you though, that the parts where the spec is in jeopardy are really scary. Like this movie is so lovely, I could not handle the intense scenes where parts of this wonderful world were in danger. So clearly, I'm a wimp

But, anyway, Will Arnett is not the lone awesome background character: Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill and Amy Poehler also have supporting roles and the whole movie is narrated by Charles Osgood. It all adds up to greatness. And if you don’t believe me, watch this clip. Then go watch Horton Hears a Who. It will wash your brain out after you make the mistake of seeing 27 Dresses.

James Marsden...Not Just a Pretty Face

2008-04-03T12:34:00.006-05:00

Okay, so I fully expected, upon plopping my fifty cents on the counter for this movie, that I would get a completely mockable romantic comedy that included all the clichés – initial hate, mistaken identity, miscommunications, lead character in love with someone else, broken hearts, and finally, a frantic race to declare love at the last.possible.second! I love me a terrible romantic comedy – it is so rife with unintended humor. Alas, my quarter and five nickels (that’s right!) did not get me my horrible rom-com. Despite the fact that this movie included ALL of the above clichés AND Katherine Heigl, it was actually pretty good. Sigh. Here are some of the reasons why:

James Marsden: Of course. He made this whole movie work. He’s like what Harry Connick Jr. was trying to do, but Marsden was ACTUALLY charming and cute. He did sport the same outfit throughout the entire movie, but wardrobe was clearly going for the struggling-writer angle, and we all know they only wear button down shirts with a gray undershirt. Their hands were tied! (See right: So cute, as he laughs and takes pictures of Heigl to advance his career!)

Judy Greer: I’ve had a soft spot for Greer since Arrested Development (“Say good-bye to THESE!) but this role was an inspired bit of acting for her. She seemed constantly drunk/hungover/high, at one point slurring her words so badly I could barely make out what she was saying. Awesome.

All of the dresses: So sue me, the prairie girl get up made me laugh. Yes, I confess, sometimes my laughs are cheap! I’m sorry! I will go watch Good Luck Chuck as a penance, so I can remember what cheap laughs get you! (No, I won’t really do that. Please, don’t make me! PLEASE!) (see left: Kinda funny, right?)

What they did Wrong: Of course, it wasn’t all perfection. They hinted at redemption for the completely awful sister, who lied to her boyfriend (who also happened to be the guy Heigl was in love with) and who completely unforgivably cut up their dead mother’s wedding dress. I don’t need to see her straighten her life out. She is a horrible person, and she should never find love EVER AGAIN!

Not quite a Giant Face, but why is it staring at me like that?: Speaking of the sister, her face was disturbing. Especially for a character who is supposed to be so terrifically good looking. Malin Ackerman (unfortunate name too, as long as we’re going for low blows here) has too-tweezed eyebrows, a little pig nose, squinty eyes, and is overall not great looking. Also, the face parts of her face are squeezed onto the tiny bottom half, leaving her looking very disproportionate. I just didn’t buy her as the hot sister. (That picture is sorta flattering, making me look like I am just mean. I'm not, I promise. See it in a theater, then you'll see!)

Conclusion: My god, I would guilty pleasure buy this movie and hide it behind my Frank Capra Collection. Then, when people came over, I could be all “What? Oh yes, I really only enjoy the classics” and the minute they leave I could pull it out and watch it with popcorn and a goofy smile. I mean, I’m not GOING to do that- no, no, no. Definitely not. What was I saying? Um, yeah, it’s worth fifty cents.

Look! A themed, double review!

2008-04-03T11:34:00.005-05:00

So it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from me and I’m sorry. But not as sorry as I am for seeing 10,000BC. In order to ease my pain, I’m making this edition of Rachel’s Reels into double review of both 10,000BC and Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day. This makes sense, really, as they’re both…historical pieces. Note the very broad definition of “historical” I’m using .

There are other similarities too. For instance, parts of Miss Pettigrew deals with the bombings of London at the start of WWII. This brings to mind something that was missing from 10,000BC: a great, giant, modern weapon that could have swept in, killing the entire cast and ending the damn movie. Death ray, robo-dinosaur, I’m not picky.

But let’s jump into the plots, shall we? Note the very broad definition of “plot” I’m using. 10,000BC is about a clan of ancient people who must adapt to a changing way of life. Apparently, their wooly mammoth food source is dying out or moving or something. So now the clan is going to have to transition from being hunters to being warriors.

Luckily there’s a prophecy that one of them is going to lead this charge. His name is D’leh. D’leh, like all of his comrades, has really bad hair and speaks not in contractions. And when he speaks, all formal like, he has a very strange accent. Now, I’m not going to pretend to know what cavemen sounded like, but I bet they didn’t talk like some Transylvanian morons who spent all their summer vacations in India. My point, and I want to say it’s hard to have a point when assessing this movie, is that our ancestors were not vampires from the Himalayas. They were apparently animal-lovers as D’leh rescues a saber-tooth tiger and mourns for the mistreatment of wooly mammoths. This is where a robo-dinosaur would have come in handy. You try to pet robo-raptor and he bites your face off. End of movie.

Unfortunately, this movie is robo-dinosaurless, so D’leh must lead his buddies on an expedition to become warriors. Also to rescue their compatriots, including his girlfriend, who have been kidnapped by some Egyptians? Maybe? I don’t know. They build pyramids. And also have some very nifty red-sailed boats. Luckily for D’leh, all of the other ancient cultures he encounters also have prophecies about him and a surplus of people standing by to translate all of D’leh’s inspirational unity talk. They all band together and fight the pyramid-builders, freeing all the slaves and rescuing their friends. At some point in all the excitement, D’leh’s girlfriend dies…and then comes back to life, because D’leh made eye contact with a wooly mammoth? I don’t know?!?!?! Gah, I can’t handle this movie anymore…

Ahem. Miss Pettigrew, on the other hand, is both delightful and actually historical, not in the broad sense. Frances McDormand stars as Miss Pettigrew, sad, impoverished nanny who, after being fired yet again, poses as a social secretary for Amy Adams’ Delyshia LeFosse. Nice name. Anyway, Miss Pettigrew is at first astonished by Delyshia’s lifestyle, what the spending of the money and the having of multiple boyfriends, but eventually she gets swept along with the ride.

Unlike Delyshia, Miss Pettigrew never forgets who she is and is the one character in the whole movie who stands firm for what she knows is important. The reward for this good moral certitude is sadly, more poverty, as Delyshia sorts her life out, picks the right boyfriends and heads off for a new life in New York, presumably to escape the impending war that’s going to ravage London. Luckily Miss Pettigrew does score a date with Julius Caesar (Ciaran Hinds) and can speak with contractions and doesn’t have dreadlocks.

To recap, if you want to see a movie about a specific, real historical period, pick Miss Pettigrew. If you’re a severe masochist, go with 10,000 BC. If you hope Amy Adams doesn’t play frothy, bubbly breathy-voiced ingénues for the rest of her career, raise your hand. And if you want a robo-dinosaur, you’re out of luck.

21 Reasons not to see 21

2008-03-31T00:07:00.015-05:00

1) It costs more than 50 cents.

2) It's based on a book, a nonfiction book, and while I haven't read the source material I spent a lot of time thinking I bet that didn't happen in the book.

3) Jim Sturgess is deprived of his British accent. (see totally cute and with a british accent cuter)

4) Supports the premise that a white male going to Harvard Medical School would ever be in the running for a full scholarship based on "standing out from the crowd"

5) Supports the illusion that anyone who looks remotely like Kate Bosworth would ever go to MIT. (see two equally unbelivable images below)

6) Kate Bosworth

7) Kate Bosworth's funny shaped head. (this picture doesn't even do justice to the bulging bulb in the back of her head)

8) Kate Bosworth's scarily visible rib cage. Yes I know you did your best to try and hide it but we saw it anyway.

9) Hiding your casino winnings in the drop ceiling of your dorm room. I would have sooner believed digging a hole for a shoebox. You are supposed to be smart.

10) The idea that playing repeatedly at the same casino when there are lots of other casinos to play at is a good way not to get caught. You are supposed to be smart.

11) "Smart" people not being smart.

12) Foolproof signals like crossing your arms behind your back? The crime signals in Mad Money made more sense.

13) They say "the best thing about Vegas is getting to be whoever you want" when everyone knows the best thing about Vegas is wandering down the street wasted at 2:00 in the afternoon carrying a two foot high Eiffel tower drink and high-fiving other people who are probably drunker than you are.

14) Lawrence Fishburn has a Giant Face.

15) Tries to push sympathy for casino "loss prevention" boss who beats people up because he is losing his job to computers. Tear. :'( If you change your rings to hit someone in the face, I am not going to feel sorry for you.

16) Talks about Newton's formulas.

17) Way way too much math.

18) Whiney nerdy friends who rain on the fun parade of their now confident friend.

19) Unnecessary dancing stripper scenes.

20) It will make you want to go to Vegas and no you aren't going to win any money. No, no you aren't going to win any money.

21) Kate Bosworth (eek her eyes are like a husky, so frightening)

Giant Faces Club

2008-03-25T21:15:00.006-05:00

NEW INDUCTEES

Queen Latifah: You're Cover Girl commercials say look at my face look at my face and we did. It's GIANT. Welcome.

Stephen Root: Milton Waddams. You are a great character actor. I hope some day you burn down my office building. I just hope the shade from your Giant face doesn't prevent the fire from truly catching.

Mad Bad Sad Lad Had Cad Money

2008-03-25T20:08:00.012-05:00

Where to start? Where to start? Eek. Let's begin with the movie was all kinds of terrible. Even the ladies in it don't want to talk about it.

PREMISE: An upper middle-class Diane Keaton discovers (much to her shock and sadness) that she and her husband who drive luxury cars live in a really large house and have the judgey type of neighbor unique to the people who have that kind of money, really don't have that kind of money anymore. He's been out of work for over a year and they have amassed massive debt, which he attributes to eating. EATING! She gets a job as a janitor for the federal reserve, because in this economy and with her stripey grey hair thats the only job a college educated old lady can get. See Picture to reference the stripeyness. Home Depot inspires her to conspire with two other employees, later three, to steal money that would really just be destroyed anyway. The plot had holes big enough to drive a Range Rover through. (A big black one. Diane Keaton's)

DIRECTING: Showing the end of the movie first and then showing the rest of the movie catching up to the point where you started only works in movies where getting from point A to point B is actually interesting and not a straight line. see: Memento, Usual Suspects etc. You mean that stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from a bank and getting caught isn't predictable...? The only thing that kept me still sitting through the movie (and I watched ALL of Good Luck Chuck!) was knowing that if I didn't finish watching this stupid movie, writing a review would be lying.

MRS. TOM CRUISE: Her hair was terrible. She "pretended" to be an idiot playing this role and I am not sure if what was the combination of a stupid person pretending to be a stupid person or just her deplorable acting but it was painful to watch. (see picture: while it is not the best example of bad hair, it's an excellent example of stupid face)

Not to mention oh she isn't really a drug addict, she is diabetic. Haha?

QUEEN LATIFAH: Of all the characters I hated her the least. She was all like I am committing a federal crime to help my children. You know what would help them more? Not going to federal "pound me in the ass" prison. (Oh Office Space, why couldn't they embezzle like you embezzle) Oh and sorry honey but welcome to the club. You have a giant face.

BOYS: The men in this movie were pretty useless. Ted Danson caused the money grubbing wanting in the first place and Mrs. Tom Cruise's movie husband was probably the reason they all ended up getting arrested and the ladies' giant faced boss, who was Milton in Office Space oh how the mighty have fallen, just wanted to pretend people couldn't steal from him.

I don't want to be down on women making film, but these particular women, the writer and the director were pretty incompetent and sort of man hating.

CONCLUSION: Definitely would not pay 50 cents again to see this movie, though one day after I have millions of dollars and lose it all because of food, I might resort to watching it for free because unlike the stupid people in this movie I won't try to live far beyond my means.

This Little Piggy is Kinda Boring

2008-03-09T22:50:00.011-05:00

Penelope is not a good movie. I should say it’s not a good movie for adults. Maybe for kids. But I’m not a kid and kids can’t appreciate the hotness that is James McAvoy, so I have to assume that this movie is at least partially directed to adults. But before we get into why it’s not a good movie despite the presence of James McAvoy, let’s talk about the plot.

Several generations ago, Penelope’s family was cursed because one of their blue-blooded lot ditched his lowly scullery maid baby mama to marry a posher lady. So, the baby mama’s mama, who just happens to be a witch, vows that the next girl born to that family will have a pig nose. A few skips down the family tree later and we get Penelope (Christina Ricci), all pig-nosed and pig-eared. Luckily, because witches are never entirely black hearted*, there is a way to break the spell: one of Penelope’s own kind must love her and promise to be with her till death do they part.

This little escape clause sets Penelope’s mom (Catherine O’Hara) on a mission to find some handsome, young, wealthy guy to marry her daughter. Inevitably they all run at the sight of Penelope -- that is until James McAvoy comes along. I don’t remember his character’s name since because I was too busy looking into his gorgeous blue eyes. But IMDB says he plays “Max” and that sounds right…I guess…what sounds better, cobalt or sapphire?

Anyway, it turns out Max is actually down on his luck and in need of cash, so he’s really wooing Penelope just so he can take a picture of her unfortunate schnoz and sell it to a newspaperman named Lemon (Peter Dinklage). But, as is want to happen in such movies, Max falls in love, Penelope finds out he betrayed her and sets out on a voyage of self-discovery.

Penelope runs away from home and hooks up with Annie (Reese Witherspoon). You know Annie is cool (or not) because she wears a leather jacket, braids her hair in random places and rides a Vespa. In case you were wondering, that’s how you know a person is not cool in real life. But Penelope’s sheltered so she lets Annie teach her how to live and tra la la la la, Penelope learns to love herself as she charms the people of her bizarre New York/London-esque metropolis.

Sounds lovely. And the moral of the story is actually ok: learn to like yourself and the rest will follow. (Although, if you have a disfiguring nose, you might want to seek plastic surgery, because unlike Penelope, you most likely weren’t cursed by a witch, so a scalpel’s the only thing that will break that spell). Unfortunately, the cast is surprisingly boring. Catherine O’Hara just isn’t as awesome as she could be, Christina Ricci is really dull and Reese Witherspoon is annoying: Even punk rockers brush their hair, Reese. Bed head doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look disheveled.

But my main complaint is clearly: not enough James McAvoy! He doesn’t do much while Penelope is on her little I-like-me-just-the-way-I-am odyssey. Plus half the people in Penelope’s magical transatlantic city speak with British accents, so why did James McAvoy have to have a quasi-Tennessean drawl? He’s pretty as an American, but God clearly wanted him to be Scottish, which is why he was born in Scotland. Don’t mess with the Will of God, Director Mark Palansky!

That being said, I am totally going to see this movie again because my love for James McAvoy is just that strong, and unlike some other movies he’s been in this year, his character in Penelope doesn’t die of septicemia in some French sewer (spoiler alert: I’m totally not talking about Atonement).

*Critic’s aside: When I make my blood sacrifice and get my witch powers, I will be totally black hearted. There will be no “out” for my curses. When I give you a baboon’s ass on your forehead, it’s staying there, whether someone falls in love with your monkey-butt face or not.

Flashback Friday: This movie made more money than Harry Potter?!

2008-03-09T17:00:00.011-05:00

But, first, a tale to share:
Friday afternoon, as I sorted through the mail, I happily spied a red Netflix envelope amongst it, calling out to me. I haven’t checked my queue in a while, because it was ridiculously full, and I didn’t know what I would be getting. Once, perhaps? Ratatouille? Across the Universe? Ah, but no. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. It was like the Netflix gods knew that it was Friday, and I would have to watch a baaaad movie. The following is what happens when you don’t follow your first instinct and immediately chase down the mailman to give him the Netflix envelope back.

Supposed Premise: Larry Valentine (Kevin James) is a NY fireman with two kids and a deceased wife, so he needs to change his pension benefits to go to the kids instead of the wife. He can only change them up to a year after her death, however, and that deadline has passed. So he gets his best friend Chuck (Adam Sandler) to pretend to be his “domestic partner” so that he can give the benefits to him, and if Larry dies Chuck will take care of his kids. Hilarity ensues when the government tries to make sure Chuck and Larry are a real gay couple. It’s actually not a terrible premise – sadly, that’s where the whole not-terrible thing ends. (See Left: They're firefighters! Manly! They can't be gay!)

Gay stereotypes make people more accepting, don’t they? Um, no. From Larry’s son who is a tap-dancing musical lover (Ah! He’s GAY!) to Chuck saying to the government investigator – “Yep, it’s all balls and wieners all the time here!’ (Haha! Because they’re GAY!) to the actual shower scene with naked firefighters continually dropping the soap (Prison gays! HA!) all of the gay stuff was really not funny. I wasn’t offended by the disgustingness or the stereotypicalness. More offensive was the fact that it wasn’t amusing. At all. Balls and wieners? I’m not a ten year old boy, so maybe that was my problem. (See Right: They are dressed up as Dracula and an apple for a gay Halloween party, in which they discover people think Chuck is the "girl".)

The Brooklyn accents: I kid you not, near the end of the movie, one of the firefighters ACTUALLY says “I love youse guys!” I’ve never lived in Brooklyn, but I could do a better accent.

Wardrobe: Going again for the Adam-Sandler-is-a-Brooklyn-playboy, he wears a gold chain 24/7. Awesome. Everyone in Brooklyn totally does this, and that’s what makes this movie authentic. (See left: Can you see the chain? Also, awesome robe.)

Watch out for: Tila Tequila as one of the many women who sleep with Chuck. She is such a method actress! Paging Daniel Day-Lewis!

You know the movie’s almost done when: Jessica Biel strips to her underwear and has her “best gay friend” Chuck feel her boobs to prove they’re real. Did you know it is a law that Jessica Biel cannot be in a movie without stripping to her underwear? It’s atonement for Seventh Heaven. (See right: There she goes.)

Conclusion: I actually had to go to my “happy place” during this movie. Unlike Adam Sandler’s happy place in Happy Gilmore, this one did not feature my grandma winning tons of cash or Julie Bowen in lingerie, but it did allow me to think of another, better Adam Sandler movie so I could escape from this horror. (See left: I couldn't find a picture of the Happy Gilmore happy place, so instead enjoy this classic of Bob Barker beating up Adam Sandler) I was not a good Boy Scout – I was unprepared for how truly terrible this movie was going to be. The only time I laughed was when I was crying. Do not, under penalty of death, Netflix this movie.

Dancing Singing Rodents

2008-03-04T15:51:00.015-06:00

Alvin and the Chipmunks

I usually enter 50 Cent Tuesday movies with the expectation of seeing something pretty terrible. That is kind of the point. But when the title credits began rolling and I heard the chipmunks sing “You had a bad day” I thought oh crap I might actually enjoy this movie. There are a few movie devices that have a place in my heart, which increase my threshold for the ridiculous. I guess musical rodents should be added to that list.

PREMISE: The chipmunks live in a forest near mountains until the tree they live in is cut down and brought to Los Angeles as a Christmas tree. There, chance encounters with a dog and a muffin basket lead them to aspiring song writer Dave Seville, who has just heard that no one would ever sing any of his songs. (In fairness the first one mentioned something about death and abyss… not exactly mass appeal) The Chipmunks proceed to trash his house, sing some songs, become famous, and leave Dave for the promise of fun and family. (photo at right: Chipmunks become financially successful, become demonic)

The movie was a little to heavy on plots for a children’s movie that relies on a fart joke for a comedic moment. Will Dave get back with his ex girlfriend, will the chipmunks find the family they search for, will Dave get over his commitment issues that apparently extend to small talking rodents, can he save them from evil uncle Ian, and how did chipmunks living in a forest learn to sing, speak english and READ? It’s probably one of those moments where it is best not to ask too many questions but reading!!! WTF?

ACTING: The casting wasn’t bothersome. (though I did find it interesting how an actress who played a 15 year old on “House” was suddenly old enough to have a career and live by herself, see right) Acting was bad. I understand that the furry chipmunks the audience got to see (and hear sing) were not there while they were shooting the movie, but couldn’t they have had like a puppet or something for them to look at. The actors were obviously staring at nothing and trying to interact with and on occasion catch NOTHING.

DANCING: A movie with singing chipmunks who go on tour must include back up dancers for their act. It’s a fact. You took the time with dialogue to tell us what a choreographer does. So… why didn’t you hire one? The “dancers” “dance” like mc hammer in the early 90s. Why not hire the people from Step Up 2 and take it to the streets? (Step up 2 takes it to the streets)

CHIPMUNKS: Every time the movie got kind of annoying and I was little like why did they make chipmunks like waffles, the chipmunks start singing and I was ok with the world. So sue me, my favorite Christmas song is the chipmunk one. It’s fun. Toward the end where they started having the back up dancers I was a little less enthralled with their sound, but if I can find it “you had a bad day” might become the ringtone on my cell phone.

Comparing the old TV show with the new movie. (Left vs. right) I must say I am glad they got rid of the extra long pajama like tunics they were wearing, but did they have to make them look like they want to hijack my car?

BEST LINE OF THE MOVIE: We're talking chipmuncks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. It's not even hard.

CONCLUSION: We would pay 50 cents again to see this movie! No promises about full price admission but if they made a sequel with the Chipettes we would probably go see it for another 50 cents.

Flashback Friday*

2008-03-03T13:03:00.008-06:00

The Jane Austen Book Club

Note: Being an Austen enthusiast, as they say, and having already read this ghastly book, I obviously didn’t expect much from this movie. However, I believe I can objectively state that even if you know nothing of Austen’s books, or of this particular book, or of movies in general, you will still find this offering terrible. If aliens ever landed on our planet and tried to see what our culture was like, they would watch this movie and run away screaming in horror. So if they’re bad aliens, like in Independence Day, I have a plan! Call me, Will Smith/Bill Pullman/other random stars!

Supposed Premise: Ack. It hurts my head to even write the supposed premise. Okay, suck it up…and…go. There are five women, each in a various stage of their life, who decide to form a book club where they only discuss Jane Austen books. Also, to round out the number, there is one man, absurdly named Grigg (no, he is not a friendly giant). Sylvia’s husband recently left her for another woman, Sylvia’s daughter, Allegra, is a lesbian with bad taste in women, Bernadette is the crazy, matriarchal leader, Jocelyn is the never-married dog breeder, and Prudie is the married teacher with a disgusting thing for one of her underage students. And their lives perfectly parallel Austen’s heroines! What, you can’t see that already? Silly, silly reader. Just wait. It will be so perfect! (See left: Don't they all look like creatures from another time? Not pictured: Grigg, the only cute one.)

Unbelievable Casting: Amy Brenneman is Hispanic, and you know that because she pronounces her last name with a perfect Spanish accent – Avilaaaa. That is the first and last clue you get to her heritage, besides the absolutely ridiculous times she calls her daughter “Mija”. Jimmy Smits has really gone downhill from his NYPD Blue days (see previous post When Giant Faces Attack) and Maggie Grace is also NOT Hispanic, despite the fact that her hair is dyed brown.

Hair Watch: Emily Blunt, is that a wig? Or just a really terrible haircut? Why is it necessary for you to wear a wig when you have naturally lovely locks and it does nothing for your character? Maybe I should ask Jane… (Compare left to right. Why would the hair people put a wig over that?)

Discussion of the Books: No, Lizzy Bennet would not have been Homecoming queen, you stupid, stupid people. Also, all your insights are stupid. Shut up, and stop disseminating nonsense to the masses.

Sappy Ending: Oh, everyone ends up happy, just like in Austen. Except, in Austen, the bad are not rewarded, whereas here, Sylvia ends up back with her giant-faced, cheating husband, Allegra breaks up with one girlfriend to go out with another, who will surely end up screwing her in a different way, and Jocelyn and Grigg end up together, despite the fact that Jocelyn is horrifically mean to him. Also, the kooky matriarch ends up married to someone who has – gasp- never read Austen. I smell a sequel! (Left: A picture of Hugh Dancy, who plays Grigg, because he was the only good thing about this movie.)

Conclusion: My Netflix queue is still recommending me crap based on this one addition. We hated this movie so much, I considered breaking the disc before returning it to Netflix, in hopes that they would not replace it and inflict this horror on anyone else.

* Flashback Friday is the day when we watch a terrible movie available now on DVD. Yes, we spend Fridays watching terrible movies. Also, some good ones, but mostly not so much. It is all a public service to help you keep your Netflix queue clear of these atrocities.

Too much whimsy, not enough Jack Black being awesome

2008-03-02T17:32:00.005-06:00

Be Kind Rewind director Michel Gondry is also the man behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep. Taken together, these three movies constitute a serious dose of whimsy -- maybe too much whimsy to be endured by any one non-pixie humanoid. That being said, Be Kind Rewind isn’t bad. It just asks the audience to suspend their disbelief about a whole lot of ridiculous events.

For example, fine, we can grant that maybe in the world there exists one video store that still deals exclusively in VHS. Sure, that store could be staffed by two slightly dim clerks (Mos Def and Danny Glover), one of whom has a best friend (Jack Black) who lives wraps himself in tin foil and lives right next to an electric power plant. And if you’re willing to grant all that, why not toss in a neighborhood full of people who totally don’t mind being ripped off with seriously absurd remakes of their favorite movies? Even if you let Gondry get away with all of that, he still can’t sustain movie packed to the brim with silly characters and events.

The best part of the film is obviously the remakes that Jack Black and Mos Def produce. Their creativity is pretty incredible (especially given their seemingly single-digit IQ’s). And it’s a joy to watch them try to figure out how to shoot night scenes during the day, create ectoplasm rays, and give newly-shot film the impression of looking old and grainy. All of this is great…too bad it only lasts about 15 minutes.

The rest of the movie is schmaltzy treacle dealing with Glover trying to keep his video store from being condemned and torn down. The neighborhood unites behind him, they all learn the joys of movie-making and everyone joins together to be happy and whimsical and…too bad I lost interest after Jack Black stopped pretending to be Jessica Tandy from Driving Miss Daisy.

Save yourself the $10 and skip Be Kind Rewind. Anyway, after Jack Black sings his version of the Ghostbusters theme song, that’s going to be the only movie you really want to watch. Luckily you’ve probably already seen that part in the trailer, so get to Blockbuster and you can even rent a VHS copy, if you’re feeling whimsical.

You can tell they're sisters because their clothes match

2008-03-01T18:38:00.001-06:00

About five minutes into The Other Boleyn Girl, Anne Boleyn (Natalie Portman) decries that she is the other Boleyn girl, since her younger, more beautiful, blonder, puffier-lipped sister Mary (Scarlett Johansson) is getting married before her. But, wait, isn’t Anne the one you were supposed to have learned about in history class? Isn’t Mary the other Boleyn girl? Well, hold on to your hats, kids, this movie is going to take everything you thought you knew about Tudor England and ignore it to make stuff up instead. Who needs history when you have Wikipedia and a vague idea of how people in the 16th century might have talked?

The Other Boleyn Girl takes an inordinate amount of time setting up the story. Basically Anne and Mary’s father and uncle spend lots of time scheming to pimp either one of the girls off to King Henry VIII (Eric Bana). First he likes Anne, then he falls off of a horse, so he ditches Anne and goes for Mary. The Mary gets pregnant, so he really likes her. But Anne comes back from her six-month, whirlwind, man-enchanting seminar at the French court and Henry’s back to lusting after the other Boleyn girl…or the primary Boleyn girl…whatever.

Anne proceeds to return all his gifts, lecture him about morality and refuse to have sex with him. So, clearly, Henry wants her even more. Since no man can resist a reproving tease. These events take up about 100 of the movie’s 114 minute running time. The last fifth of the movie speeds through England’s break with Rome, Anne’s delivery of two kids – one live, one dead – and her eventual trial for treason and incest, which, gross. Note to director Justin Chadwick: you could have left more of that scene to the imagination, since it most likely never happened anyway.

Luckily Mary throws herself under the bus (horse buggy?) repeatedly, lying for Anne and eventually pleading with Henry to spare Anne’s life. At this point, it becomes clear that some character development at any point in the movie would have been helpful. Because the audience has just watched scene after scene of Anne stealing Mary’s royal boyfriend, getting Mary and her bastard kid banished to the countryside and basically screwing everyone, both in and out of her family circle (literally and figuratively), just so she can become Queen of England. Anne’s kind of a bitch.

And yet, Mary is willing to risk her life to talk Henry into pardoning Anne and sparing her life. Some character development might have also showed the crucial being-dropped-on-her-head-as-a-small-child scenes that would explain why Mary was dumb enough to believe Henry when he said he would let Anne go.

Spoiler Alert: Nope. Henry’s a crazy bastard and Anne gets her head lopped right off. Don’t worry though, Anne gets the ultimate triumph, because as the helpful post script captions tell us, her daughter Elizabeth inherits the throne and becomes the most successful monarch in English history. Too bad Anne’s dead. And too bad this revelation isn’t dramatic at all, because Cate Blanchett’s already made that movie…twice.

When Giant Faces Attack

2008-02-28T23:09:00.015-06:00

GIANT Faces

Perhaps it is the nature of watching people on a overly large screen, or perhaps it rises from the comparative tininess of other malnourished actor faces, but some actors we have noticed have GIANT faces. So proportionally large it can be wondered, often in times of romantic interludes, will the one face devour the other? Case in point, before Fiona turns into a swollen ogre in Shrek, Shrek could fit her whole head in his mouth. Shrek's face = giant face.

Full fledged membership in the Giant Faces Club and Giant Faces movie franchise follows a mention here:

Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Your character Denny made us cry when he died on Grey's Anatomy (back when we watched it before it started to suck) Your Irish accent in P.S. I love you was surprising, but it was your giant face next to Hilary Swank's that made us think: oh no Hilary, take your headbands and run.

Billie Piper: Most people, if they know you at all, recognize you as one of the girls who has traveled through space and time with Dr. Who. Not us. We found your work in the new adaptation of Mansfield Park particularly big faced. We know, we know, they tried so hard to disguise with your icky hair all in your face. Kind of like the picture to the left, but we knew the truth. You have a GIANT face.

Javier Bardem: Props on the Oscar. We haven't seen No Country for Old Men yet. The title reminded us too much of Florida to pay more than 50 cents for it, but we did see your acceptance speech. Cute how you thanked your mom. You have a Giant Face. (and an odd facial similarity to Jeffrey Dean Morgan)

Jimmy Smits: It was difficult to find a recent picture of you. Most of your google results look suave and are from about 15 years ago. But you couldn't hide that Giant Face in Jane Austen Book Club. Really, Amy Brenneman looked like crap run over twice the whole movie and still I was shocked about your Giant face. The only thing less believable than her as a Hispanic, is that her character got back together with your Giant Face.

Queen Latifah: You're Cover Girl commercials say look at my face look at my face and we did. It's GIANT. Welcome.

Laurence Fishburne: We all know the Matrix (the original not the sequels) was awesome. Next to Keanu Reeves' expressionless acting it was hard to find any fault with you.... but in 21 they kept zooming on your face, you scary intimidating GIANT face. Really Giant. Maybe you need more of those matrixy sunglasses?

Tarnished Compass

2008-02-28T16:39:00.011-06:00

The Golden Compass

DISCLAIMER We usually avoid seeing movies that are based on books we have read (more often on books we have read and enjoyed). The movies try to strike a compromise between those who have read and loved and those who are illiterate and only watch movies. As we know compromise is code for EVERYBODY LOSES. Nothing is different with The Golden Compass.

PREMISE It is difficult to describe what the movie was about knowing what the movie should have been about but I will give it a try. Lyra is a girl who lives in a world where people's souls exist in animal form outside their body, (sounds pretty cool right?) but the "Magisterium" (you can give it a new name but that doesn't mean we aren't going to understand it as "church") wants to silence everybody who is not them. Lyra's -SPOILER ALERT!- mother Mrs. Coulter works for a section of the church who kidnaps little children and performs experiments on them, for their own good, of course. And there are some witches and some bears, but the movie didn't really explain them so why should we? Oh right, the golden compass. In what was a very Lord of the Rings move, there exists only one golden compass, a truth teller Lyra must protect from the evil Lord Sauron.

CASTING In truth we didn't hate Nicole Kidman as the evil cold Mrs. Coulter. In fact it was a role she seemed born to play. (See photo on left, right up her alley) What we didn't get was Daniel Craig as Lord Asriel. We are sure you have to pay Bond lots of money to be in a movie so why waste his time on about 7 minutes of actual screen time. The biggest BIGGEST casting problem was Lyra and her daemon - pronounced demon because this movie is wicked, wicked, wicked - Lyra looks an old 12-13 like she would be the girl in middle school who had to had have a boyfriend and wore her older sister's make-up, but her daemon's voice is acted by a 6 year old boy, who at any moment seems prone to ask if they can play dinosaurs - that is, he would ask that if the church in their world hasn't already told everyone they never existed. They have that power. These two are supposed to be the SAME age.

HAIR WATCH The true spirit of stupid Hollywood movies reveals itself in Lyra's hair. When will hair and make up people realize that girls who run around pretending to be boys don't let their long flowing hair be long and flowing? It becomes tangly and disgusting and its stupid. They would braid it or cut it, not let a giants rat's nest grow on their head.

WARDROBE We hate to be all nitpicky for details (Okay not really. We really like being nitpicky) but people who travel to where everything is frozen would have a coat that did more than BELT like a bathrobe. Bathrobes are not that warm. We aren't asking for rocket science here, people. We might not even understand if it was rocket science, but we would like to avoid frequent moments in the movie where we have to turn to each other and say "That is just stupid!" (see picture on right and ignore the bear because it really isn't that important) Where people are cold and snow is everywhere, put them in a freaking PARKA. (shout out the accurate layers in Lars and the Real Girl)

SPECIAL EFFECTS: We are obligated to mention the special effects because aside from being one of the rare non cringe worthy aspects, they just won the Oscar and unlike The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe it does not feel like Spongebob and friends joined the human cast for dinner and movie.

CONCLUSION All in all, we would NOT pay 50 cents again for this movie. The only way you could get us to the much hinted at in the movie but probably will never see the light of day sequel would be to first knock us out with a boxed set of the books.

Lars the Real Weirdo

2008-02-28T11:35:00.018-06:00

Lars and the Real Girl

Supposed Premise: Lars, a 27-year-old who lives in the garage of the house he grew up in, has some serious mental issues. His mother died giving birth to him, breaking his father’s heart and leaving ole Daddy silent and sad for the rest of his life. Lars’s older brother is married (and gets to live in the big house!) and his wife is newly pregnant, leading to Lars to have a nasty break-up with reality. His new relationship is with a full size woman doll (anatomically correct!) Will he and Bianca live happily ever after, or will she, like his mother, die tragically? (See right: Lars and Bianca share a romantic meal together, wherein Lars cuts her meat. And no, that is not an euphemism.)

Excellent Casting: What could be creepy and awkward (a man dating a sex doll) is endearing and sad, thanks to the fantastic work of Ryan Gosling. Man, has this guy come a long way from The Notebook. (Of course, some might think he has regressed, given the fact he got to make out with Rachel McAdams in that movie, as opposed to a doll. But she’s very lifelike! And she’s from the Bahamas!) If you are socially awkward and feel like taking a leaf out of Lars' book you can buy a real doll too, but if you want people to treat her like a human we would choose a less stripper name. Come on. Bianca? (See left: How could you say no to that face?)

Emily Mortimer as Caring Sister-in-law: Emily Mortimer’s character is the first to accept and treat the doll as human, leading the rest of the small town to do the same. Eventually, Bianca the doll has a more active social life than Lars – she “models” at a hair salon three times a week, volunteers at the children’s hospital, and gets elected to the School Board. It’s always the quiet ones who surprise you…. (See Right. How does you properly greet a doll? Sit on your hands to avoid running from the room screaming.)

Heart-Melting Scene: Who can resist a man who gives CPR and mouth-to-mouth to a teddy bear who has been cruelly hung by a coworker? Not this reviewer, who would totally have dated Lars afterward, despite the whole mentally-unstable, dates-a-doll thing. We’ve all got our problems, man.

Hair Watch: Ryan Gosling’s mustache was a little too child-molester for us, especially considering the fact that he is crazy. His hair was a little on the dirty side as well, but he is playing a psycho. They don’t shower frequently. (Compare Left vs. Right. One is icky, the other is cute)

Wardrobe: Bianca’s: Classy, yet comfortable. Everyone else’s: So. Many. Layers. Why do people live in Wisconsin, again? Yee-ikes.

Conclusion: We’d pay actual full price to see this movie. Of course, we didn’t, but we would if ever given the opportunity!

P.S. I Hate You

2008-02-21T19:19:00.015-06:00

Supposed Premise: Man dies, leaving wife letters to help her "get over him." Really, he's simply preventing her from moving on. But, P.S. HE LOVES HER! (See right: He's not really there! She is imagining he's there reading the letter out loud to her. Creepy.)

Terrible Miscasting: What could be a endearing role if played by Maggie Gyllenhaal or someone equally cute and quirky becomes a disturbingly angry character played by man-woman Hilary Swank. Moments when we should have been falling in love with her we instead shouted at the screen: "Run away Gerard Butler! Save yourself!" Also, she's clearly lying about her age since she is a 34-year-old playing the age range of 19 - 29.

Harry Connick Jr. as a Skeezeball: Instead of a lovable character who says inappropriate things, he mainly just said awkward and borderline rude things. Including that he buried his cat in his stereobox. Aren't you half in love already?

"Mentally-challenged" Sister: Either the actress got her acting chops on Barney or the character really was supposed to scream her lines and look crazy and confused. "I'm at a funeral?" Either way, she did not add to anything. At all.

Hair watch: Hilary Swank should not wear headbands. This does not convince us she is a woman.

Wardrobe: You do not look more 19 just because you are wearing every color of the rainbow. It also doesn't help that you have a cowboy scene painted on your skirt. (See left. Despite the fact the picture is not full length, you can observe the stupid purple hat a la Crying Ricky from Project Runway) Also, she takes off her clothes way too much for a movie where she is mourning her dead husband. Seeing your anorexic body also does not prove to us you're a woman.

Conclusion: We would not pay fifty cents again to see this movie.