I Love John Krasinski...I Mean, Leatherheads is Cool!

Before I get into the review, I should mention something: I may not be the most reliable critic for this movie. The fact is that John Krasinski is my soulmate. I mean, we haven’t talked about it or anything, but I’m pretty sure if we met, he would agree. So, obviously, the movie could be two hours of him tying his shoes and I’d love it. Which is not to say that you should discount my enjoyment of Leatherheads, but you know, I’m kinda in love with one of the stars.

So now that that’s out of the way, on to the movie. It’s actually good -- mainly because both George Clooney and John Krasinski are ridiculously charming. Clooney plays Dodge Connelly, an over-the-hill pro football player in the nascent years of the sport. Krasinski plays Carter Rutherford, a college football player / war hero that Connelly convinces to join his team in an effort to legitimize the professional league.

All of this would be peachy, except that there needs to be a love interest to make the movie fun, and for some reason, they decided to cast Renee Zellweger as newspaper reporter Lexie Littleton. I didn’t hate her as much as I anticipated; Zellweger can definitely keep up with the zippy dialogue, and she has the annoyed eye-roll down pat. But there’s something wrong with her face and her voice was really grating. Which is especially noticeable in Leatherheads, since her male co-stars both have the most wonderful voices that ever existed.

Anyway, while Dodge and Carter drum up enthusiasm for the professional football league, Lexie snoops around trying to uncover the truth behind Carter’s war heroism. Obviously a love triangle emerges and, astonishingly, Lexie doesn’t spend much time agonizing over who she wants. I need to point out again just how charming Krasinski is in this role -- it’s a little unbelievable that Lexie has no interest in him at all, but maybe Zellweger couldn’t see clearly out of her squinty, squinty eyes.

The main thing to say about the movie stylistically is that Clooney, who also directed, tried to pattern Leatherheads off of old-school screwball comedies – think It Happened One Night or Bringing Up Baby. This means lost of fast talking and word play. For example when a man tells Renee Zellweger he didn’t come here to be insulted, she archly asks him, “Well, where do you normally go?” And though sadly, Krasinski has less to do in this department than Clooney or Zellweger, all three of the leads know how to keep pace and deliver a zinger.

Too bad Leatherheads is two hours long and it drags a bit as the larger, external events start to take their toll on the characters. But the dialogue is really fun and the movie looks lovely, with lots of warm golden hues in the costumes and sets. So, yeah, it’s a good movie. It could have been great with a little more time in the editing booth and a little less…you know, Renee Zellweger. However, as the characters in Leatherheads find out, you can’t always have it all.

Final note: The casting of Renee Zellweger is just the most recent in a string of female lead problems in the movies lately. (See: Hillary Swank in PS: I Love You, Kate Bosworth in 21, or Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses.) Are there no good, young actresses in Hollywood? Was Rachel McAdams busy? Because, seriously, until this issue is addressed, I think she needs to be on call at all times. She’s charming and cute and smart. Let her have all the lead roles in romantic comedies…at least in Lindsay Lohan gets back on her feet. Ha! Just kidding.

No need to run to see Fat Boy

Run, Fat Boy, Run stars Simon Pegg whose previously leading roles came in Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, both great movies. But not only did Pegg star in those movies, he also co-wrote them with director, Edgar Wright. Considering previous awesomeness, Run, Fat Boy, Run should be a great movie as Pegg stars in and co-wrote the picture. Too bad the director this time is David Schwimmer (Ross? Really?) and Pegg’s writing partner was Michael Ian Black. Judging from this result, apparently Edgar Wright’s role in the previous movies was winnowing down the number of stereotypical and annoying sidekicks.

It’s not all bad. Run, Fat Boy, Run is generally funny as follows Pegg’s Dennis’ attempts to get his life on track after running out on his preggers fiancé, Libby, (Thandi Newtown) on their wedding day. He works as a security guard at a lingerie store, constantly locks himself out of his apartment and deals with his rotund landlord, a man who’s very unhappy that Dennis can never seem to pay his rent. The only bright spot in Dennis’ life is his son, Jake…that is until Libby starts dating Whit, played by a seriously buff Hank Azaria.

Whit turns out to be charming, rich and magnanimous too, as he runs marathons for charity. So, Dennis does the obvious thing and…starts running marathons? Couldn’t he have just decided to get hot and rich instead? It seems less painful. But this raises a confusing point for me: Hank Azaria was really hot in this movie. Like, really hot. Disconcertingly so. Doesn’t he know he’s a cartoon character voice? He’s Chief Wiggum/ Apu/ Sea Captain! None of those people are hot. Hank Azaria is, apparently. And it was disturbing.

Anyway, as the movie turns to Dennis’ training, it starts to drag. There are only so many times it’s funny to watch a fat guy on a scooter swat Pegg’s pasty legs with a spatula. Sounds funny? Right, it is -- just that once. But, Dennis trains, Whit turns out to be a jerk, and things end well, but not too treacley, I suppose. There are just too many background characters and not enough Nick Frost, who’s really the only sidekick Simon Pegg will ever need in my book. In the end, not a great movie, but, hey, much better than I expected from this guy -->

Horton Hears an AWESOME

I’m trying to think of ways to be snarky about this movie, but I really can’t. It’s just so, so good. And gorgeous to look at. There are scenes in the movie that made me want to ask the projectionist to pause so I could just sit and stare at the screen for a few minutes.

The basic story, for those of you who skipped 2^nd grade, is that Horton the elephant, voiced by Jim Carrey, hears a sound come from a spec floating through his idyllic jungle home. Horton discovers that the spec is actually home to tiny Whoville. Horton makes friends with the Mayor of Whoville (Steve Carrell) and, being the lovely creature that he is, decides to take the spec, now resting on a flower, somewhere safe.

This is threatening apparently to a purple kangaroo that lives in the jungle. Kangaroo (Carol Burnett) tells Horton to get rid of the spec and when he won’t, all sorts of awful things happen. Like Kangaroo hiring a vulture named Vlad to go after Horton and destroy the spec. Vlad is voiced by Will Arnett and I don’t think I need to tell you how awesome that is. I do need to warn you though, that the parts where the spec is in jeopardy are really scary. Like this movie is so lovely, I could not handle the intense scenes where parts of this wonderful world were in danger. So clearly, I'm a wimp

But, anyway, Will Arnett is not the lone awesome background character: Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill and Amy Poehler also have supporting roles and the whole movie is narrated by Charles Osgood. It all adds up to greatness. And if you don’t believe me, watch this clip. Then go watch Horton Hears a Who. It will wash your brain out after you make the mistake of seeing 27 Dresses.

Look! A themed, double review!

So it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from me and I’m sorry. But not as sorry as I am for seeing 10,000BC. In order to ease my pain, I’m making this edition of Rachel’s Reels into double review of both 10,000BC and Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day. This makes sense, really, as they’re both…historical pieces. Note the very broad definition of “historical” I’m using .

There are other similarities too. For instance, parts of Miss Pettigrew deals with the bombings of London at the start of WWII. This brings to mind something that was missing from 10,000BC: a great, giant, modern weapon that could have swept in, killing the entire cast and ending the damn movie. Death ray, robo-dinosaur, I’m not picky.

But let’s jump into the plots, shall we? Note the very broad definition of “plot” I’m using. 10,000BC is about a clan of ancient people who must adapt to a changing way of life. Apparently, their wooly mammoth food source is dying out or moving or something. So now the clan is going to have to transition from being hunters to being warriors.

Luckily there’s a prophecy that one of them is going to lead this charge. His name is D’leh. D’leh, like all of his comrades, has really bad hair and speaks not in contractions. And when he speaks, all formal like, he has a very strange accent. Now, I’m not going to pretend to know what cavemen sounded like, but I bet they didn’t talk like some Transylvanian morons who spent all their summer vacations in India. My point, and I want to say it’s hard to have a point when assessing this movie, is that our ancestors were not vampires from the Himalayas. They were apparently animal-lovers as D’leh rescues a saber-tooth tiger and mourns for the mistreatment of wooly mammoths. This is where a robo-dinosaur would have come in handy. You try to pet robo-raptor and he bites your face off. End of movie.

Unfortunately, this movie is robo-dinosaurless, so D’leh must lead his buddies on an expedition to become warriors. Also to rescue their compatriots, including his girlfriend, who have been kidnapped by some Egyptians? Maybe? I don’t know. They build pyramids. And also have some very nifty red-sailed boats. Luckily for D’leh, all of the other ancient cultures he encounters also have prophecies about him and a surplus of people standing by to translate all of D’leh’s inspirational unity talk. They all band together and fight the pyramid-builders, freeing all the slaves and rescuing their friends. At some point in all the excitement, D’leh’s girlfriend dies…and then comes back to life, because D’leh made eye contact with a wooly mammoth? I don’t know?!?!?! Gah, I can’t handle this movie anymore…

Ahem. Miss Pettigrew, on the other hand, is both delightful and actually historical, not in the broad sense. Frances McDormand stars as Miss Pettigrew, sad, impoverished nanny who, after being fired yet again, poses as a social secretary for Amy Adams’ Delyshia LeFosse. Nice name. Anyway, Miss Pettigrew is at first astonished by Delyshia’s lifestyle, what the spending of the money and the having of multiple boyfriends, but eventually she gets swept along with the ride.

Unlike Delyshia, Miss Pettigrew never forgets who she is and is the one character in the whole movie who stands firm for what she knows is important. The reward for this good moral certitude is sadly, more poverty, as Delyshia sorts her life out, picks the right boyfriends and heads off for a new life in New York, presumably to escape the impending war that’s going to ravage London. Luckily Miss Pettigrew does score a date with Julius Caesar (Ciaran Hinds) and can speak with contractions and doesn’t have dreadlocks.

To recap, if you want to see a movie about a specific, real historical period, pick Miss Pettigrew. If you’re a severe masochist, go with 10,000 BC. If you hope Amy Adams doesn’t play frothy, bubbly breathy-voiced ingénues for the rest of her career, raise your hand. And if you want a robo-dinosaur, you’re out of luck.

This Little Piggy is Kinda Boring

Penelope is not a good movie. I should say it’s not a good movie for adults. Maybe for kids. But I’m not a kid and kids can’t appreciate the hotness that is James McAvoy, so I have to assume that this movie is at least partially directed to adults. But before we get into why it’s not a good movie despite the presence of James McAvoy, let’s talk about the plot.

Several generations ago, Penelope’s family was cursed because one of their blue-blooded lot ditched his lowly scullery maid baby mama to marry a posher lady. So, the baby mama’s mama, who just happens to be a witch, vows that the next girl born to that family will have a pig nose. A few skips down the family tree later and we get Penelope (Christina Ricci), all pig-nosed and pig-eared. Luckily, because witches are never entirely black hearted*, there is a way to break the spell: one of Penelope’s own kind must love her and promise to be with her till death do they part.

This little escape clause sets Penelope’s mom (Catherine O’Hara) on a mission to find some handsome, young, wealthy guy to marry her daughter. Inevitably they all run at the sight of Penelope -- that is until James McAvoy comes along. I don’t remember his character’s name since because I was too busy looking into his gorgeous blue eyes. But IMDB says he plays “Max” and that sounds right…I guess…what sounds better, cobalt or sapphire?

Anyway, it turns out Max is actually down on his luck and in need of cash, so he’s really wooing Penelope just so he can take a picture of her unfortunate schnoz and sell it to a newspaperman named Lemon (Peter Dinklage). But, as is want to happen in such movies, Max falls in love, Penelope finds out he betrayed her and sets out on a voyage of self-discovery.

Penelope runs away from home and hooks up with Annie (Reese Witherspoon). You know Annie is cool (or not) because she wears a leather jacket, braids her hair in random places and rides a Vespa. In case you were wondering, that’s how you know a person is not cool in real life. But Penelope’s sheltered so she lets Annie teach her how to live and tra la la la la, Penelope learns to love herself as she charms the people of her bizarre New York/London-esque metropolis.

Sounds lovely. And the moral of the story is actually ok: learn to like yourself and the rest will follow. (Although, if you have a disfiguring nose, you might want to seek plastic surgery, because unlike Penelope, you most likely weren’t cursed by a witch, so a scalpel’s the only thing that will break that spell). Unfortunately, the cast is surprisingly boring. Catherine O’Hara just isn’t as awesome as she could be, Christina Ricci is really dull and Reese Witherspoon is annoying: Even punk rockers brush their hair, Reese. Bed head doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look disheveled.

But my main complaint is clearly: not enough James McAvoy! He doesn’t do much while Penelope is on her little I-like-me-just-the-way-I-am odyssey. Plus half the people in Penelope’s magical transatlantic city speak with British accents, so why did James McAvoy have to have a quasi-Tennessean drawl? He’s pretty as an American, but God clearly wanted him to be Scottish, which is why he was born in Scotland. Don’t mess with the Will of God, Director Mark Palansky!

That being said, I am totally going to see this movie again because my love for James McAvoy is just that strong, and unlike some other movies he’s been in this year, his character in Penelope doesn’t die of septicemia in some French sewer (spoiler alert: I’m totally not talking about Atonement).

*Critic’s aside: When I make my blood sacrifice and get my witch powers, I will be totally black hearted. There will be no “out” for my curses. When I give you a baboon’s ass on your forehead, it’s staying there, whether someone falls in love with your monkey-butt face or not.

Too much whimsy, not enough Jack Black being awesome

Be Kind Rewind director Michel Gondry is also the man behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep. Taken together, these three movies constitute a serious dose of whimsy -- maybe too much whimsy to be endured by any one non-pixie humanoid. That being said, Be Kind Rewind isn’t bad. It just asks the audience to suspend their disbelief about a whole lot of ridiculous events.

For example, fine, we can grant that maybe in the world there exists one video store that still deals exclusively in VHS. Sure, that store could be staffed by two slightly dim clerks (Mos Def and Danny Glover), one of whom has a best friend (Jack Black) who lives wraps himself in tin foil and lives right next to an electric power plant. And if you’re willing to grant all that, why not toss in a neighborhood full of people who totally don’t mind being ripped off with seriously absurd remakes of their favorite movies? Even if you let Gondry get away with all of that, he still can’t sustain movie packed to the brim with silly characters and events.

The best part of the film is obviously the remakes that Jack Black and Mos Def produce. Their creativity is pretty incredible (especially given their seemingly single-digit IQ’s). And it’s a joy to watch them try to figure out how to shoot night scenes during the day, create ectoplasm rays, and give newly-shot film the impression of looking old and grainy. All of this is great…too bad it only lasts about 15 minutes.

The rest of the movie is schmaltzy treacle dealing with Glover trying to keep his video store from being condemned and torn down. The neighborhood unites behind him, they all learn the joys of movie-making and everyone joins together to be happy and whimsical and…too bad I lost interest after Jack Black stopped pretending to be Jessica Tandy from Driving Miss Daisy.

Save yourself the $10 and skip Be Kind Rewind. Anyway, after Jack Black sings his version of the Ghostbusters theme song, that’s going to be the only movie you really want to watch. Luckily you’ve probably already seen that part in the trailer, so get to Blockbuster and you can even rent a VHS copy, if you’re feeling whimsical.

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You can tell they're sisters because their clothes match

About five minutes into The Other Boleyn Girl, Anne Boleyn (Natalie Portman) decries that she is the other Boleyn girl, since her younger, more beautiful, blonder, puffier-lipped sister Mary (Scarlett Johansson) is getting married before her. But, wait, isn’t Anne the one you were supposed to have learned about in history class? Isn’t Mary the other Boleyn girl? Well, hold on to your hats, kids, this movie is going to take everything you thought you knew about Tudor England and ignore it to make stuff up instead. Who needs history when you have Wikipedia and a vague idea of how people in the 16th century might have talked?

The Other Boleyn Girl takes an inordinate amount of time setting up the story. Basically Anne and Mary’s father and uncle spend lots of time scheming to pimp either one of the girls off to King Henry VIII (Eric Bana). First he likes Anne, then he falls off of a horse, so he ditches Anne and goes for Mary. The Mary gets pregnant, so he really likes her. But Anne comes back from her six-month, whirlwind, man-enchanting seminar at the French court and Henry’s back to lusting after the other Boleyn girl…or the primary Boleyn girl…whatever.

Anne proceeds to return all his gifts, lecture him about morality and refuse to have sex with him. So, clearly, Henry wants her even more. Since no man can resist a reproving tease. These events take up about 100 of the movie’s 114 minute running time. The last fifth of the movie speeds through England’s break with Rome, Anne’s delivery of two kids – one live, one dead – and her eventual trial for treason and incest, which, gross. Note to director Justin Chadwick: you could have left more of that scene to the imagination, since it most likely never happened anyway.

Luckily Mary throws herself under the bus (horse buggy?) repeatedly, lying for Anne and eventually pleading with Henry to spare Anne’s life. At this point, it becomes clear that some character development at any point in the movie would have been helpful. Because the audience has just watched scene after scene of Anne stealing Mary’s royal boyfriend, getting Mary and her bastard kid banished to the countryside and basically screwing everyone, both in and out of her family circle (literally and figuratively), just so she can become Queen of England. Anne’s kind of a bitch.

And yet, Mary is willing to risk her life to talk Henry into pardoning Anne and sparing her life. Some character development might have also showed the crucial being-dropped-on-her-head-as-a-small-child scenes that would explain why Mary was dumb enough to believe Henry when he said he would let Anne go.

Spoiler Alert: Nope. Henry’s a crazy bastard and Anne gets her head lopped right off. Don’t worry though, Anne gets the ultimate triumph, because as the helpful post script captions tell us, her daughter Elizabeth inherits the throne and becomes the most successful monarch in English history. Too bad Anne’s dead. And too bad this revelation isn’t dramatic at all, because Cate Blanchett’s already made that movie…twice.