When Giant Faces Attack

GIANT Faces

Perhaps it is the nature of watching people on a overly large screen, or perhaps it rises from the comparative tininess of other malnourished actor faces, but some actors we have noticed have GIANT faces. So proportionally large it can be wondered, often in times of romantic interludes, will the one face devour the other? Case in point, before Fiona turns into a swollen ogre in Shrek, Shrek could fit her whole head in his mouth. Shrek's face = giant face.

Full fledged membership in the Giant Faces Club and Giant Faces movie franchise follows a mention here:

Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Your character Denny made us cry when he died on Grey's Anatomy (back when we watched it before it started to suck) Your Irish accent in P.S. I love you was surprising, but it was your giant face next to Hilary Swank's that made us think: oh no Hilary, take your headbands and run.

Billie Piper: Most people, if they know you at all, recognize you as one of the girls who has traveled through space and time with Dr. Who. Not us. We found your work in the new adaptation of Mansfield Park particularly big faced. We know, we know, they tried so hard to disguise with your icky hair all in your face. Kind of like the picture to the left, but we knew the truth. You have a GIANT face.

Javier Bardem: Props on the Oscar. We haven't seen No Country for Old Men yet. The title reminded us too much of Florida to pay more than 50 cents for it, but we did see your acceptance speech. Cute how you thanked your mom. You have a Giant Face. (and an odd facial similarity to Jeffrey Dean Morgan)

Jimmy Smits: It was difficult to find a recent picture of you. Most of your google results look suave and are from about 15 years ago. But you couldn't hide that Giant Face in Jane Austen Book Club. Really, Amy Brenneman looked like crap run over twice the whole movie and still I was shocked about your Giant face. The only thing less believable than her as a Hispanic, is that her character got back together with your Giant Face.

Queen Latifah: You're Cover Girl commercials say look at my face look at my face and we did. It's GIANT. Welcome.

Stephen Root: Milton Waddams. You are a great character actor. I hope some day you burn down my office building. I just hope the shade from your Giant face doesn't prevent the fire from truly catching.

Laurence Fishburne: We all know the Matrix (the original not the sequels) was awesome. Next to Keanu Reeves' expressionless acting it was hard to find any fault with you.... but in 21 they kept zooming on your face, you scary intimidating GIANT face. Really Giant. Maybe you need more of those matrixy sunglasses?

Tarnished Compass

The Golden Compass

DISCLAIMER We usually avoid seeing movies that are based on books we have read (more often on books we have read and enjoyed). The movies try to strike a compromise between those who have read and loved and those who are illiterate and only watch movies. As we know compromise is code for EVERYBODY LOSES. Nothing is different with The Golden Compass.

PREMISE It is difficult to describe what the movie was about knowing what the movie should have been about but I will give it a try. Lyra is a girl who lives in a world where people's souls exist in animal form outside their body, (sounds pretty cool right?) but the "Magisterium" (you can give it a new name but that doesn't mean we aren't going to understand it as "church") wants to silence everybody who is not them. Lyra's -SPOILER ALERT!- mother Mrs. Coulter works for a section of the church who kidnaps little children and performs experiments on them, for their own good, of course. And there are some witches and some bears, but the movie didn't really explain them so why should we? Oh right, the golden compass. In what was a very Lord of the Rings move, there exists only one golden compass, a truth teller Lyra must protect from the evil Lord Sauron.



CASTING In truth we didn't hate Nicole Kidman as the evil cold Mrs. Coulter. In fact it was a role she seemed born to play. (See photo on left, right up her alley) What we didn't get was Daniel Craig as Lord Asriel. We are sure you have to pay Bond lots of money to be in a movie so why waste his time on about 7 minutes of actual screen time. The biggest BIGGEST casting problem was Lyra and her daemon - pronounced demon because this movie is wicked, wicked, wicked - Lyra looks an old 12-13 like she would be the girl in middle school who had to had have a boyfriend and wore her older sister's make-up, but her daemon's voice is acted by a 6 year old boy, who at any moment seems prone to ask if they can play dinosaurs - that is, he would ask that if the church in their world hasn't already told everyone they never existed. They have that power. These two are supposed to be the SAME age.

HAIR WATCH The true spirit of stupid Hollywood movies reveals itself in Lyra's hair. When will hair and make up people realize that girls who run around pretending to be boys don't let their long flowing hair be long and flowing? It becomes tangly and disgusting and its stupid. They would braid it or cut it, not let a giants rat's nest grow on their head.





WARDROBE We hate to be all nitpicky for details (Okay not really. We really like being nitpicky) but people who travel to where everything is frozen would have a coat that did more than BELT like a bathrobe. Bathrobes are not that warm. We aren't asking for rocket science here, people. We might not even understand if it was rocket science, but we would like to avoid frequent moments in the movie where we have to turn to each other and say "That is just stupid!" (see picture on right and ignore the bear because it really isn't that important) Where people are cold and snow is everywhere, put them in a freaking PARKA. (shout out the accurate layers in Lars and the Real Girl)




SPECIAL EFFECTS: We are obligated to mention the special effects because aside from being one of the rare non cringe worthy aspects, they just won the Oscar and unlike The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe it does not feel like Spongebob and friends joined the human cast for dinner and movie.

CONCLUSION All in all, we would NOT pay 50 cents again for this movie. The only way you could get us to the much hinted at in the movie but probably will never see the light of day sequel would be to first knock us out with a boxed set of the books.

Lars the Real Weirdo

Lars and the Real Girl

Supposed Premise: Lars, a 27-year-old who lives in the garage of the house he grew up in, has some serious mental issues. His mother died giving birth to him, breaking his father’s heart and leaving ole Daddy silent and sad for the rest of his life. Lars’s older brother is married (and gets to live in the big house!) and his wife is newly pregnant, leading to Lars to have a nasty break-up with reality. His new relationship is with a full size woman doll (anatomically correct!) Will he and Bianca live happily ever after, or will she, like his mother, die tragically? (See right: Lars and Bianca share a romantic meal together, wherein Lars cuts her meat. And no, that is not an euphemism.)

Excellent Casting: What could be creepy and awkward (a man dating a sex doll) is endearing and sad, thanks to the fantastic work of Ryan Gosling. Man, has this guy come a long way from The Notebook. (Of course, some might think he has regressed, given the fact he got to make out with Rachel McAdams in that movie, as opposed to a doll. But she’s very lifelike! And she’s from the Bahamas!) If you are socially awkward and feel like taking a leaf out of Lars' book you can buy a real doll too, but if you want people to treat her like a human we would choose a less stripper name. Come on. Bianca? (See left: How could you say no to that face?)

Emily Mortimer as Caring Sister-in-law: Emily Mortimer’s character is the first to accept and treat the doll as human, leading the rest of the small town to do the same. Eventually, Bianca the doll has a more active social life than Lars – she “models” at a hair salon three times a week, volunteers at the children’s hospital, and gets elected to the School Board. It’s always the quiet ones who surprise you…. (See Right. How does you properly greet a doll? Sit on your hands to avoid running from the room screaming.)

Heart-Melting Scene: Who can resist a man who gives CPR and mouth-to-mouth to a teddy bear who has been cruelly hung by a coworker? Not this reviewer, who would totally have dated Lars afterward, despite the whole mentally-unstable, dates-a-doll thing. We’ve all got our problems, man.

Hair Watch: Ryan Gosling’s mustache was a little too child-molester for us, especially considering the fact that he is crazy. His hair was a little on the dirty side as well, but he is playing a psycho. They don’t shower frequently. (Compare Left vs. Right. One is icky, the other is cute)

Wardrobe: Bianca’s: Classy, yet comfortable. Everyone else’s: So. Many. Layers. Why do people live in Wisconsin, again? Yee-ikes.

Conclusion: We’d pay actual full price to see this movie. Of course, we didn’t, but we would if ever given the opportunity!

P.S. I Hate You

Supposed Premise: Man dies, leaving wife letters to help her "get over him." Really, he's simply preventing her from moving on. But, P.S. HE LOVES HER! (See right: He's not really there! She is imagining he's there reading the letter out loud to her. Creepy.)

Terrible Miscasting: What could be a endearing role if played by Maggie Gyllenhaal or someone equally cute and quirky becomes a disturbingly angry character played by man-woman Hilary Swank. Moments when we should have been falling in love with her we instead shouted at the screen: "Run away Gerard Butler! Save yourself!" Also, she's clearly lying about her age since she is a 34-year-old playing the age range of 19 - 29.

Harry Connick Jr. as a Skeezeball: Instead of a lovable character who says inappropriate things, he mainly just said awkward and borderline rude things. Including that he buried his cat in his stereobox. Aren't you half in love already?

"Mentally-challenged" Sister: Either the actress got her acting chops on Barney or the character really was supposed to scream her lines and look crazy and confused. "I'm at a funeral?" Either way, she did not add to anything. At all.

Hair watch: Hilary Swank should not wear headbands. This does not convince us she is a woman.

Wardrobe: You do not look more 19 just because you are wearing every color of the rainbow. It also doesn't help that you have a cowboy scene painted on your skirt. (See left. Despite the fact the picture is not full length, you can observe the stupid purple hat a la Crying Ricky from Project Runway) Also, she takes off her clothes way too much for a movie where she is mourning her dead husband. Seeing your anorexic body also does not prove to us you're a woman.

Conclusion: We would not pay fifty cents again to see this movie.