Flashback Friday: This movie made more money than Harry Potter?!

But, first, a tale to share:
Friday afternoon, as I sorted through the mail, I happily spied a red Netflix envelope amongst it, calling out to me. I haven’t checked my queue in a while, because it was ridiculously full, and I didn’t know what I would be getting. Once, perhaps? Ratatouille? Across the Universe? Ah, but no. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. It was like the Netflix gods knew that it was Friday, and I would have to watch a baaaad movie. The following is what happens when you don’t follow your first instinct and immediately chase down the mailman to give him the Netflix envelope back.

Supposed Premise: Larry Valentine (Kevin James) is a NY fireman with two kids and a deceased wife, so he needs to change his pension benefits to go to the kids instead of the wife. He can only change them up to a year after her death, however, and that deadline has passed. So he gets his best friend Chuck (Adam Sandler) to pretend to be his “domestic partner” so that he can give the benefits to him, and if Larry dies Chuck will take care of his kids. Hilarity ensues when the government tries to make sure Chuck and Larry are a real gay couple. It’s actually not a terrible premise – sadly, that’s where the whole not-terrible thing ends. (See Left: They're firefighters! Manly! They can't be gay!)

Gay stereotypes make people more accepting, don’t they? Um, no. From Larry’s son who is a tap-dancing musical lover (Ah! He’s GAY!) to Chuck saying to the government investigator – “Yep, it’s all balls and wieners all the time here!’ (Haha! Because they’re GAY!) to the actual shower scene with naked firefighters continually dropping the soap (Prison gays! HA!) all of the gay stuff was really not funny. I wasn’t offended by the disgustingness or the stereotypicalness. More offensive was the fact that it wasn’t amusing. At all. Balls and wieners? I’m not a ten year old boy, so maybe that was my problem. (See Right: They are dressed up as Dracula and an apple for a gay Halloween party, in which they discover people think Chuck is the "girl".)

The Brooklyn accents: I kid you not, near the end of the movie, one of the firefighters ACTUALLY says “I love youse guys!” I’ve never lived in Brooklyn, but I could do a better accent.

Wardrobe: Going again for the Adam-Sandler-is-a-Brooklyn-playboy, he wears a gold chain 24/7. Awesome. Everyone in Brooklyn totally does this, and that’s what makes this movie authentic. (See left: Can you see the chain? Also, awesome robe.)

Watch out for: Tila Tequila as one of the many women who sleep with Chuck. She is such a method actress! Paging Daniel Day-Lewis!

You know the movie’s almost done when: Jessica Biel strips to her underwear and has her “best gay friend” Chuck feel her boobs to prove they’re real. Did you know it is a law that Jessica Biel cannot be in a movie without stripping to her underwear? It’s atonement for Seventh Heaven. (See right: There she goes.)

Conclusion: I actually had to go to my “happy place” during this movie. Unlike Adam Sandler’s happy place in Happy Gilmore, this one did not feature my grandma winning tons of cash or Julie Bowen in lingerie, but it did allow me to think of another, better Adam Sandler movie so I could escape from this horror. (See left: I couldn't find a picture of the Happy Gilmore happy place, so instead enjoy this classic of Bob Barker beating up Adam Sandler) I was not a good Boy Scout – I was unprepared for how truly terrible this movie was going to be. The only time I laughed was when I was crying. Do not, under penalty of death, Netflix this movie.

Flashback Friday*

The Jane Austen Book Club

Note: Being an Austen enthusiast, as they say, and having already read this ghastly book, I obviously didn’t expect much from this movie. However, I believe I can objectively state that even if you know nothing of Austen’s books, or of this particular book, or of movies in general, you will still find this offering terrible. If aliens ever landed on our planet and tried to see what our culture was like, they would watch this movie and run away screaming in horror. So if they’re bad aliens, like in Independence Day, I have a plan! Call me, Will Smith/Bill Pullman/other random stars!

Supposed Premise: Ack. It hurts my head to even write the supposed premise. Okay, suck it up…and…go. There are five women, each in a various stage of their life, who decide to form a book club where they only discuss Jane Austen books. Also, to round out the number, there is one man, absurdly named Grigg (no, he is not a friendly giant). Sylvia’s husband recently left her for another woman, Sylvia’s daughter, Allegra, is a lesbian with bad taste in women, Bernadette is the crazy, matriarchal leader, Jocelyn is the never-married dog breeder, and Prudie is the married teacher with a disgusting thing for one of her underage students. And their lives perfectly parallel Austen’s heroines! What, you can’t see that already? Silly, silly reader. Just wait. It will be so perfect! (See left: Don't they all look like creatures from another time? Not pictured: Grigg, the only cute one.)

Unbelievable Casting: Amy Brenneman is Hispanic, and you know that because she pronounces her last name with a perfect Spanish accent – Avilaaaa. That is the first and last clue you get to her heritage, besides the absolutely ridiculous times she calls her daughter “Mija”. Jimmy Smits has really gone downhill from his NYPD Blue days (see previous post When Giant Faces Attack) and Maggie Grace is also NOT Hispanic, despite the fact that her hair is dyed brown.

Hair Watch: Emily Blunt, is that a wig? Or just a really terrible haircut? Why is it necessary for you to wear a wig when you have naturally lovely locks and it does nothing for your character? Maybe I should ask Jane… (Compare left to right. Why would the hair people put a wig over that?)

Discussion of the Books: No, Lizzy Bennet would not have been Homecoming queen, you stupid, stupid people. Also, all your insights are stupid. Shut up, and stop disseminating nonsense to the masses.

Sappy Ending: Oh, everyone ends up happy, just like in Austen. Except, in Austen, the bad are not rewarded, whereas here, Sylvia ends up back with her giant-faced, cheating husband, Allegra breaks up with one girlfriend to go out with another, who will surely end up screwing her in a different way, and Jocelyn and Grigg end up together, despite the fact that Jocelyn is horrifically mean to him. Also, the kooky matriarch ends up married to someone who has – gasp- never read Austen. I smell a sequel! (Left: A picture of Hugh Dancy, who plays Grigg, because he was the only good thing about this movie.)

Conclusion: My Netflix queue is still recommending me crap based on this one addition. We hated this movie so much, I considered breaking the disc before returning it to Netflix, in hopes that they would not replace it and inflict this horror on anyone else.

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* Flashback Friday is the day when we watch a terrible movie available now on DVD. Yes, we spend Fridays watching terrible movies. Also, some good ones, but mostly not so much. It is all a public service to help you keep your Netflix queue clear of these atrocities.