Giant Faces Club

NEW INDUCTEES

Queen Latifah: You're Cover Girl commercials say look at my face look at my face and we did. It's GIANT. Welcome.

Stephen Root: Milton Waddams. You are a great character actor. I hope some day you burn down my office building. I just hope the shade from your Giant face doesn't prevent the fire from truly catching.

Mad Bad Sad Lad Had Cad Money

Where to start? Where to start? Eek. Let's begin with the movie was all kinds of terrible. Even the ladies in it don't want to talk about it.

PREMISE: An upper middle-class Diane Keaton discovers (much to her shock and sadness) that she and her husband who drive luxury cars live in a really large house and have the judgey type of neighbor unique to the people who have that kind of money, really don't have that kind of money anymore. He's been out of work for over a year and they have amassed massive debt, which he attributes to eating. EATING! She gets a job as a janitor for the federal reserve, because in this economy and with her stripey grey hair thats the only job a college educated old lady can get. See Picture to reference the stripeyness. Home Depot inspires her to conspire with two other employees, later three, to steal money that would really just be destroyed anyway. The plot had holes big enough to drive a Range Rover through. (A big black one. Diane Keaton's)

DIRECTING: Showing the end of the movie first and then showing the rest of the movie catching up to the point where you started only works in movies where getting from point A to point B is actually interesting and not a straight line. see: Memento, Usual Suspects etc. You mean that stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from a bank and getting caught isn't predictable...? The only thing that kept me still sitting through the movie (and I watched ALL of Good Luck Chuck!) was knowing that if I didn't finish watching this stupid movie, writing a review would be lying.

MRS. TOM CRUISE: Her hair was terrible. She "pretended" to be an idiot playing this role and I am not sure if what was the combination of a stupid person pretending to be a stupid person or just her deplorable acting but it was painful to watch. (see picture: while it is not the best example of bad hair, it's an excellent example of stupid face)

Not to mention oh she isn't really a drug addict, she is diabetic. Haha?

QUEEN LATIFAH: Of all the characters I hated her the least. She was all like I am committing a federal crime to help my children. You know what would help them more? Not going to federal "pound me in the ass" prison. (Oh Office Space, why couldn't they embezzle like you embezzle) Oh and sorry honey but welcome to the club. You have a giant face.

BOYS: The men in this movie were pretty useless. Ted Danson caused the money grubbing wanting in the first place and Mrs. Tom Cruise's movie husband was probably the reason they all ended up getting arrested and the ladies' giant faced boss, who was Milton in Office Space oh how the mighty have fallen, just wanted to pretend people couldn't steal from him.

I don't want to be down on women making film, but these particular women, the writer and the director were pretty incompetent and sort of man hating.

CONCLUSION: Definitely would not pay 50 cents again to see this movie, though one day after I have millions of dollars and lose it all because of food, I might resort to watching it for free because unlike the stupid people in this movie I won't try to live far beyond my means.

This Little Piggy is Kinda Boring

Penelope is not a good movie. I should say it’s not a good movie for adults. Maybe for kids. But I’m not a kid and kids can’t appreciate the hotness that is James McAvoy, so I have to assume that this movie is at least partially directed to adults. But before we get into why it’s not a good movie despite the presence of James McAvoy, let’s talk about the plot.

Several generations ago, Penelope’s family was cursed because one of their blue-blooded lot ditched his lowly scullery maid baby mama to marry a posher lady. So, the baby mama’s mama, who just happens to be a witch, vows that the next girl born to that family will have a pig nose. A few skips down the family tree later and we get Penelope (Christina Ricci), all pig-nosed and pig-eared. Luckily, because witches are never entirely black hearted*, there is a way to break the spell: one of Penelope’s own kind must love her and promise to be with her till death do they part.

This little escape clause sets Penelope’s mom (Catherine O’Hara) on a mission to find some handsome, young, wealthy guy to marry her daughter. Inevitably they all run at the sight of Penelope -- that is until James McAvoy comes along. I don’t remember his character’s name since because I was too busy looking into his gorgeous blue eyes. But IMDB says he plays “Max” and that sounds right…I guess…what sounds better, cobalt or sapphire?

Anyway, it turns out Max is actually down on his luck and in need of cash, so he’s really wooing Penelope just so he can take a picture of her unfortunate schnoz and sell it to a newspaperman named Lemon (Peter Dinklage). But, as is want to happen in such movies, Max falls in love, Penelope finds out he betrayed her and sets out on a voyage of self-discovery.

Penelope runs away from home and hooks up with Annie (Reese Witherspoon). You know Annie is cool (or not) because she wears a leather jacket, braids her hair in random places and rides a Vespa. In case you were wondering, that’s how you know a person is not cool in real life. But Penelope’s sheltered so she lets Annie teach her how to live and tra la la la la, Penelope learns to love herself as she charms the people of her bizarre New York/London-esque metropolis.

Sounds lovely. And the moral of the story is actually ok: learn to like yourself and the rest will follow. (Although, if you have a disfiguring nose, you might want to seek plastic surgery, because unlike Penelope, you most likely weren’t cursed by a witch, so a scalpel’s the only thing that will break that spell). Unfortunately, the cast is surprisingly boring. Catherine O’Hara just isn’t as awesome as she could be, Christina Ricci is really dull and Reese Witherspoon is annoying: Even punk rockers brush their hair, Reese. Bed head doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look disheveled.

But my main complaint is clearly: not enough James McAvoy! He doesn’t do much while Penelope is on her little I-like-me-just-the-way-I-am odyssey. Plus half the people in Penelope’s magical transatlantic city speak with British accents, so why did James McAvoy have to have a quasi-Tennessean drawl? He’s pretty as an American, but God clearly wanted him to be Scottish, which is why he was born in Scotland. Don’t mess with the Will of God, Director Mark Palansky!

That being said, I am totally going to see this movie again because my love for James McAvoy is just that strong, and unlike some other movies he’s been in this year, his character in Penelope doesn’t die of septicemia in some French sewer (spoiler alert: I’m totally not talking about Atonement).

*Critic’s aside: When I make my blood sacrifice and get my witch powers, I will be totally black hearted. There will be no “out” for my curses. When I give you a baboon’s ass on your forehead, it’s staying there, whether someone falls in love with your monkey-butt face or not.

Flashback Friday: This movie made more money than Harry Potter?!

But, first, a tale to share:
Friday afternoon, as I sorted through the mail, I happily spied a red Netflix envelope amongst it, calling out to me. I haven’t checked my queue in a while, because it was ridiculously full, and I didn’t know what I would be getting. Once, perhaps? Ratatouille? Across the Universe? Ah, but no. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. It was like the Netflix gods knew that it was Friday, and I would have to watch a baaaad movie. The following is what happens when you don’t follow your first instinct and immediately chase down the mailman to give him the Netflix envelope back.

Supposed Premise: Larry Valentine (Kevin James) is a NY fireman with two kids and a deceased wife, so he needs to change his pension benefits to go to the kids instead of the wife. He can only change them up to a year after her death, however, and that deadline has passed. So he gets his best friend Chuck (Adam Sandler) to pretend to be his “domestic partner” so that he can give the benefits to him, and if Larry dies Chuck will take care of his kids. Hilarity ensues when the government tries to make sure Chuck and Larry are a real gay couple. It’s actually not a terrible premise – sadly, that’s where the whole not-terrible thing ends. (See Left: They're firefighters! Manly! They can't be gay!)

Gay stereotypes make people more accepting, don’t they? Um, no. From Larry’s son who is a tap-dancing musical lover (Ah! He’s GAY!) to Chuck saying to the government investigator – “Yep, it’s all balls and wieners all the time here!’ (Haha! Because they’re GAY!) to the actual shower scene with naked firefighters continually dropping the soap (Prison gays! HA!) all of the gay stuff was really not funny. I wasn’t offended by the disgustingness or the stereotypicalness. More offensive was the fact that it wasn’t amusing. At all. Balls and wieners? I’m not a ten year old boy, so maybe that was my problem. (See Right: They are dressed up as Dracula and an apple for a gay Halloween party, in which they discover people think Chuck is the "girl".)

The Brooklyn accents: I kid you not, near the end of the movie, one of the firefighters ACTUALLY says “I love youse guys!” I’ve never lived in Brooklyn, but I could do a better accent.

Wardrobe: Going again for the Adam-Sandler-is-a-Brooklyn-playboy, he wears a gold chain 24/7. Awesome. Everyone in Brooklyn totally does this, and that’s what makes this movie authentic. (See left: Can you see the chain? Also, awesome robe.)

Watch out for: Tila Tequila as one of the many women who sleep with Chuck. She is such a method actress! Paging Daniel Day-Lewis!

You know the movie’s almost done when: Jessica Biel strips to her underwear and has her “best gay friend” Chuck feel her boobs to prove they’re real. Did you know it is a law that Jessica Biel cannot be in a movie without stripping to her underwear? It’s atonement for Seventh Heaven. (See right: There she goes.)

Conclusion: I actually had to go to my “happy place” during this movie. Unlike Adam Sandler’s happy place in Happy Gilmore, this one did not feature my grandma winning tons of cash or Julie Bowen in lingerie, but it did allow me to think of another, better Adam Sandler movie so I could escape from this horror. (See left: I couldn't find a picture of the Happy Gilmore happy place, so instead enjoy this classic of Bob Barker beating up Adam Sandler) I was not a good Boy Scout – I was unprepared for how truly terrible this movie was going to be. The only time I laughed was when I was crying. Do not, under penalty of death, Netflix this movie.

Dancing Singing Rodents

Alvin and the Chipmunks

I usually enter 50 Cent Tuesday movies with the expectation of seeing something pretty terrible. That is kind of the point. But when the title credits began rolling and I heard the chipmunks sing “You had a bad day” I thought oh crap I might actually enjoy this movie. There are a few movie devices that have a place in my heart, which increase my threshold for the ridiculous. I guess musical rodents should be added to that list.

PREMISE: The chipmunks live in a forest near mountains until the tree they live in is cut down and brought to Los Angeles as a Christmas tree. There, chance encounters with a dog and a muffin basket lead them to aspiring song writer Dave Seville, who has just heard that no one would ever sing any of his songs. (In fairness the first one mentioned something about death and abyss… not exactly mass appeal) The Chipmunks proceed to trash his house, sing some songs, become famous, and leave Dave for the promise of fun and family. (photo at right: Chipmunks become financially successful, become demonic)

The movie was a little to heavy on plots for a children’s movie that relies on a fart joke for a comedic moment. Will Dave get back with his ex girlfriend, will the chipmunks find the family they search for, will Dave get over his commitment issues that apparently extend to small talking rodents, can he save them from evil uncle Ian, and how did chipmunks living in a forest learn to sing, speak english and READ? It’s probably one of those moments where it is best not to ask too many questions but reading!!! WTF?

ACTING: The casting wasn’t bothersome. (though I did find it interesting how an actress who played a 15 year old on “House” was suddenly old enough to have a career and live by herself, see right) Acting was bad. I understand that the furry chipmunks the audience got to see (and hear sing) were not there while they were shooting the movie, but couldn’t they have had like a puppet or something for them to look at. The actors were obviously staring at nothing and trying to interact with and on occasion catch NOTHING.

DANCING: A movie with singing chipmunks who go on tour must include back up dancers for their act. It’s a fact. You took the time with dialogue to tell us what a choreographer does. So… why didn’t you hire one? The “dancers” “dance” like mc hammer in the early 90s. Why not hire the people from Step Up 2 and take it to the streets? (Step up 2 takes it to the streets)

CHIPMUNKS: Every time the movie got kind of annoying and I was little like why did they make chipmunks like waffles, the chipmunks start singing and I was ok with the world. So sue me, my favorite Christmas song is the chipmunk one. It’s fun. Toward the end where they started having the back up dancers I was a little less enthralled with their sound, but if I can find it “you had a bad day” might become the ringtone on my cell phone.

Comparing the old TV show with the new movie. (Left vs. right) I must say I am glad they got rid of the extra long pajama like tunics they were wearing, but did they have to make them look like they want to hijack my car?

BEST LINE OF THE MOVIE: We're talking chipmuncks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. It's not even hard.

CONCLUSION: We would pay 50 cents again to see this movie! No promises about full price admission but if they made a sequel with the Chipettes we would probably go see it for another 50 cents.

Flashback Friday*

The Jane Austen Book Club

Note: Being an Austen enthusiast, as they say, and having already read this ghastly book, I obviously didn’t expect much from this movie. However, I believe I can objectively state that even if you know nothing of Austen’s books, or of this particular book, or of movies in general, you will still find this offering terrible. If aliens ever landed on our planet and tried to see what our culture was like, they would watch this movie and run away screaming in horror. So if they’re bad aliens, like in Independence Day, I have a plan! Call me, Will Smith/Bill Pullman/other random stars!

Supposed Premise: Ack. It hurts my head to even write the supposed premise. Okay, suck it up…and…go. There are five women, each in a various stage of their life, who decide to form a book club where they only discuss Jane Austen books. Also, to round out the number, there is one man, absurdly named Grigg (no, he is not a friendly giant). Sylvia’s husband recently left her for another woman, Sylvia’s daughter, Allegra, is a lesbian with bad taste in women, Bernadette is the crazy, matriarchal leader, Jocelyn is the never-married dog breeder, and Prudie is the married teacher with a disgusting thing for one of her underage students. And their lives perfectly parallel Austen’s heroines! What, you can’t see that already? Silly, silly reader. Just wait. It will be so perfect! (See left: Don't they all look like creatures from another time? Not pictured: Grigg, the only cute one.)

Unbelievable Casting: Amy Brenneman is Hispanic, and you know that because she pronounces her last name with a perfect Spanish accent – Avilaaaa. That is the first and last clue you get to her heritage, besides the absolutely ridiculous times she calls her daughter “Mija”. Jimmy Smits has really gone downhill from his NYPD Blue days (see previous post When Giant Faces Attack) and Maggie Grace is also NOT Hispanic, despite the fact that her hair is dyed brown.

Hair Watch: Emily Blunt, is that a wig? Or just a really terrible haircut? Why is it necessary for you to wear a wig when you have naturally lovely locks and it does nothing for your character? Maybe I should ask Jane… (Compare left to right. Why would the hair people put a wig over that?)

Discussion of the Books: No, Lizzy Bennet would not have been Homecoming queen, you stupid, stupid people. Also, all your insights are stupid. Shut up, and stop disseminating nonsense to the masses.

Sappy Ending: Oh, everyone ends up happy, just like in Austen. Except, in Austen, the bad are not rewarded, whereas here, Sylvia ends up back with her giant-faced, cheating husband, Allegra breaks up with one girlfriend to go out with another, who will surely end up screwing her in a different way, and Jocelyn and Grigg end up together, despite the fact that Jocelyn is horrifically mean to him. Also, the kooky matriarch ends up married to someone who has – gasp- never read Austen. I smell a sequel! (Left: A picture of Hugh Dancy, who plays Grigg, because he was the only good thing about this movie.)

Conclusion: My Netflix queue is still recommending me crap based on this one addition. We hated this movie so much, I considered breaking the disc before returning it to Netflix, in hopes that they would not replace it and inflict this horror on anyone else.

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* Flashback Friday is the day when we watch a terrible movie available now on DVD. Yes, we spend Fridays watching terrible movies. Also, some good ones, but mostly not so much. It is all a public service to help you keep your Netflix queue clear of these atrocities.

Too much whimsy, not enough Jack Black being awesome

Be Kind Rewind director Michel Gondry is also the man behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep. Taken together, these three movies constitute a serious dose of whimsy -- maybe too much whimsy to be endured by any one non-pixie humanoid. That being said, Be Kind Rewind isn’t bad. It just asks the audience to suspend their disbelief about a whole lot of ridiculous events.

For example, fine, we can grant that maybe in the world there exists one video store that still deals exclusively in VHS. Sure, that store could be staffed by two slightly dim clerks (Mos Def and Danny Glover), one of whom has a best friend (Jack Black) who lives wraps himself in tin foil and lives right next to an electric power plant. And if you’re willing to grant all that, why not toss in a neighborhood full of people who totally don’t mind being ripped off with seriously absurd remakes of their favorite movies? Even if you let Gondry get away with all of that, he still can’t sustain movie packed to the brim with silly characters and events.

The best part of the film is obviously the remakes that Jack Black and Mos Def produce. Their creativity is pretty incredible (especially given their seemingly single-digit IQ’s). And it’s a joy to watch them try to figure out how to shoot night scenes during the day, create ectoplasm rays, and give newly-shot film the impression of looking old and grainy. All of this is great…too bad it only lasts about 15 minutes.

The rest of the movie is schmaltzy treacle dealing with Glover trying to keep his video store from being condemned and torn down. The neighborhood unites behind him, they all learn the joys of movie-making and everyone joins together to be happy and whimsical and…too bad I lost interest after Jack Black stopped pretending to be Jessica Tandy from Driving Miss Daisy.

Save yourself the $10 and skip Be Kind Rewind. Anyway, after Jack Black sings his version of the Ghostbusters theme song, that’s going to be the only movie you really want to watch. Luckily you’ve probably already seen that part in the trailer, so get to Blockbuster and you can even rent a VHS copy, if you’re feeling whimsical.

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