But, first, a tale to share:
Friday afternoon, as I sorted through the mail, I happily spied a red Netflix envelope amongst it, calling out to me. I haven’t checked my queue in a while, because it was ridiculously full, and I didn’t know what I would be getting. Once, perhaps? Ratatouille? Across the Universe? Ah, but no. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. It was like the Netflix gods knew that it was Friday, and I would have to watch a baaaad movie. The following is what happens when you don’t follow your first instinct and immediately chase down the mailman to give him the Netflix envelope back.
Supposed Premise: Larry Valentine (Kevin James) is a NY fireman with two kids and a deceased wife, so he needs to change his pension benefits to go to the kids instead of the wife. He can only change them up to a year after her death, however, and that deadline has passed. So he gets his best friend Chuck (Adam Sandler) to pretend to be his “domestic partner” so that he can give the benefits to him, and if Larry dies Chuck will take care of his kids. Hilarity ensues when the government tries to make sure Chuck and Larry are a real gay couple. It’s actually not a terrible premise – sadly, that’s where the whole not-terrible thing ends. (See Left: They're firefighters! Manly! They can't be gay!)
Gay stereotypes
make people more accepting, don’t they? Um, no. From Larry’s son who is a tap-dancing musical lover (Ah! He’s GAY!) to Chuck saying to the government investigator – “Yep, it’s all balls and wieners all the time here!’ (Haha! Because they’re GAY!) to the actual shower scene with naked firefighters continually dropping the soap (Prison gays! HA!) all of the gay stuff was really not funny. I wasn’t offended by the disgustingness or the stereotypicalness. More offensive was the fact that it wasn’t amusing. At all. Balls and wieners? I’m not a ten year old boy, so maybe that was my problem. (See Right: They are dressed up as Dracula and an apple for a gay Halloween party, in which they discover people think Chuck is the "girl".)
The Brooklyn accents: I kid you not, near the end of the movie, one of the firefighters ACTUALLY says “I love youse guys!” I’ve never lived in Brooklyn, but I could do a better accent.
Wardrobe: Going again for the Adam-Sandler-is-a-Brooklyn-playboy, he wears a gold chain 24/7. Awesome. Everyone in Brooklyn totally does this, and that’s what makes this movie authentic. (See left: Can you see the chain? Also, awesome robe.)
Watch out for: Tila Tequila as one of the many women who sleep with Chuck. She is such a method actress! Paging Daniel Day-Lewis!
You know the movie’s almost done when: Jessica Biel strips to her underwear and has her “best gay friend” Chuck feel her boobs to prove they’re real. Did you know it is a law that Jessica Biel cannot be in a movie without stripping to her underwear? It’s atonement for Seventh Heaven. (See right: There she goes.)
C
onclusion: I actually had to go to my “happy place” during this movie. Unlike Adam Sandler’s happy place in Happy Gilmore, this one did not feature my grandma winning tons of cash or Julie Bowen in lingerie, but it did allow me to think of another, better Adam Sandler movie so I could escape from this horror. (See left: I couldn't find a picture of the Happy Gilmore happy place, so instead enjoy this classic of Bob Barker beating up Adam Sandler) I was not a good Boy Scout – I was unprepared for how truly terrible this movie was going to be. The only time I laughed was when I was crying. Do not, under penalty of death, Netflix this movie.
Friday afternoon, as I sorted through the mail, I happily spied a red Netflix envelope amongst it, calling out to me. I haven’t checked my queue in a while, because it was ridiculously full, and I didn’t know what I would be getting. Once, perhaps? Ratatouille? Across the Universe? Ah, but no. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. It was like the Netflix gods knew that it was Friday, and I would have to watch a baaaad movie. The following is what happens when you don’t follow your first instinct and immediately chase down the mailman to give him the Netflix envelope back.
Supposed Premise: Larry Valentine (Kevin James) is a NY fireman with two kids and a deceased wife, so he needs to change his pension benefits to go to the kids instead of the wife. He can only change them up to a year after her death, however, and that deadline has passed. So he gets his best friend Chuck (Adam Sandler) to pretend to be his “domestic partner” so that he can give the benefits to him, and if Larry dies Chuck will take care of his kids. Hilarity ensues when the government tries to make sure Chuck and Larry are a real gay couple. It’s actually not a terrible premise – sadly, that’s where the whole not-terrible thing ends. (See Left: They're firefighters! Manly! They can't be gay!)Gay stereotypes
make people more accepting, don’t they? Um, no. From Larry’s son who is a tap-dancing musical lover (Ah! He’s GAY!) to Chuck saying to the government investigator – “Yep, it’s all balls and wieners all the time here!’ (Haha! Because they’re GAY!) to the actual shower scene with naked firefighters continually dropping the soap (Prison gays! HA!) all of the gay stuff was really not funny. I wasn’t offended by the disgustingness or the stereotypicalness. More offensive was the fact that it wasn’t amusing. At all. Balls and wieners? I’m not a ten year old boy, so maybe that was my problem. (See Right: They are dressed up as Dracula and an apple for a gay Halloween party, in which they discover people think Chuck is the "girl".)The Brooklyn accents: I kid you not, near the end of the movie, one of the firefighters ACTUALLY says “I love youse guys!” I’ve never lived in Brooklyn, but I could do a better accent.
Wardrobe: Going again for the Adam-Sandler-is-a-Brooklyn-playboy, he wears a gold chain 24/7. Awesome. Everyone in Brooklyn totally does this, and that’s what makes this movie authentic. (See left: Can you see the chain? Also, awesome robe.)Watch out for: Tila Tequila as one of the many women who sleep with Chuck. She is such a method actress! Paging Daniel Day-Lewis!
You know the movie’s almost done when: Jessica Biel strips to her underwear and has her “best gay friend” Chuck feel her boobs to prove they’re real. Did you know it is a law that Jessica Biel cannot be in a movie without stripping to her underwear? It’s atonement for Seventh Heaven. (See right: There she goes.)C
onclusion: I actually had to go to my “happy place” during this movie. Unlike Adam Sandler’s happy place in Happy Gilmore, this one did not feature my grandma winning tons of cash or Julie Bowen in lingerie, but it did allow me to think of another, better Adam Sandler movie so I could escape from this horror. (See left: I couldn't find a picture of the Happy Gilmore happy place, so instead enjoy this classic of Bob Barker beating up Adam Sandler) I was not a good Boy Scout – I was unprepared for how truly terrible this movie was going to be. The only time I laughed was when I was crying. Do not, under penalty of death, Netflix this movie. 
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