James Marsden...Not Just a Pretty Face

Okay, so I fully expected, upon plopping my fifty cents on the counter for this movie, that I would get a completely mockable romantic comedy that included all the clichés – initial hate, mistaken identity, miscommunications, lead character in love with someone else, broken hearts, and finally, a frantic race to declare love at the last.possible.second! I love me a terrible romantic comedy – it is so rife with unintended humor. Alas, my quarter and five nickels (that’s right!) did not get me my horrible rom-com. Despite the fact that this movie included ALL of the above clichés AND Katherine Heigl, it was actually pretty good. Sigh. Here are some of the reasons why:

James Marsden: Of course. He made this whole movie work. He’s like what Harry Connick Jr. was trying to do, but Marsden was ACTUALLY charming and cute. He did sport the same outfit throughout the entire movie, but wardrobe was clearly going for the struggling-writer angle, and we all know they only wear button down shirts with a gray undershirt. Their hands were tied! (See right: So cute, as he laughs and takes pictures of Heigl to advance his career!)

Judy Greer: I’ve had a soft spot for Greer since Arrested Development (“Say good-bye to THESE!) but this role was an inspired bit of acting for her. She seemed constantly drunk/hungover/high, at one point slurring her words so badly I could barely make out what she was saying. Awesome.

All of the dresses: So sue me, the prairie girl get up made me laugh. Yes, I confess, sometimes my laughs are cheap! I’m sorry! I will go watch Good Luck Chuck as a penance, so I can remember what cheap laughs get you! (No, I won’t really do that. Please, don’t make me! PLEASE!) (see left: Kinda funny, right?)

What they did Wrong: Of course, it wasn’t all perfection. They hinted at redemption for the completely awful sister, who lied to her boyfriend (who also happened to be the guy Heigl was in love with) and who completely unforgivably cut up their dead mother’s wedding dress. I don’t need to see her straighten her life out. She is a horrible person, and she should never find love EVER AGAIN!

Not quite a Giant Face, but why is it staring at me like that?: Speaking of the sister, her face was disturbing. Especially for a character who is supposed to be so terrifically good looking. Malin Ackerman (unfortunate name too, as long as we’re going for low blows here) has too-tweezed eyebrows, a little pig nose, squinty eyes, and is overall not great looking. Also, the face parts of her face are squeezed onto the tiny bottom half, leaving her looking very disproportionate. I just didn’t buy her as the hot sister. (That picture is sorta flattering, making me look like I am just mean. I'm not, I promise. See it in a theater, then you'll see!)

Conclusion: My god, I would guilty pleasure buy this movie and hide it behind my Frank Capra Collection. Then, when people came over, I could be all “What? Oh yes, I really only enjoy the classics” and the minute they leave I could pull it out and watch it with popcorn and a goofy smile. I mean, I’m not GOING to do that- no, no, no. Definitely not. What was I saying? Um, yeah, it’s worth fifty cents.

Mad Bad Sad Lad Had Cad Money

Where to start? Where to start? Eek. Let's begin with the movie was all kinds of terrible. Even the ladies in it don't want to talk about it.

PREMISE: An upper middle-class Diane Keaton discovers (much to her shock and sadness) that she and her husband who drive luxury cars live in a really large house and have the judgey type of neighbor unique to the people who have that kind of money, really don't have that kind of money anymore. He's been out of work for over a year and they have amassed massive debt, which he attributes to eating. EATING! She gets a job as a janitor for the federal reserve, because in this economy and with her stripey grey hair thats the only job a college educated old lady can get. See Picture to reference the stripeyness. Home Depot inspires her to conspire with two other employees, later three, to steal money that would really just be destroyed anyway. The plot had holes big enough to drive a Range Rover through. (A big black one. Diane Keaton's)

DIRECTING: Showing the end of the movie first and then showing the rest of the movie catching up to the point where you started only works in movies where getting from point A to point B is actually interesting and not a straight line. see: Memento, Usual Suspects etc. You mean that stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from a bank and getting caught isn't predictable...? The only thing that kept me still sitting through the movie (and I watched ALL of Good Luck Chuck!) was knowing that if I didn't finish watching this stupid movie, writing a review would be lying.

MRS. TOM CRUISE: Her hair was terrible. She "pretended" to be an idiot playing this role and I am not sure if what was the combination of a stupid person pretending to be a stupid person or just her deplorable acting but it was painful to watch. (see picture: while it is not the best example of bad hair, it's an excellent example of stupid face)

Not to mention oh she isn't really a drug addict, she is diabetic. Haha?

QUEEN LATIFAH: Of all the characters I hated her the least. She was all like I am committing a federal crime to help my children. You know what would help them more? Not going to federal "pound me in the ass" prison. (Oh Office Space, why couldn't they embezzle like you embezzle) Oh and sorry honey but welcome to the club. You have a giant face.

BOYS: The men in this movie were pretty useless. Ted Danson caused the money grubbing wanting in the first place and Mrs. Tom Cruise's movie husband was probably the reason they all ended up getting arrested and the ladies' giant faced boss, who was Milton in Office Space oh how the mighty have fallen, just wanted to pretend people couldn't steal from him.

I don't want to be down on women making film, but these particular women, the writer and the director were pretty incompetent and sort of man hating.

CONCLUSION: Definitely would not pay 50 cents again to see this movie, though one day after I have millions of dollars and lose it all because of food, I might resort to watching it for free because unlike the stupid people in this movie I won't try to live far beyond my means.

Flashback Friday: This movie made more money than Harry Potter?!

But, first, a tale to share:
Friday afternoon, as I sorted through the mail, I happily spied a red Netflix envelope amongst it, calling out to me. I haven’t checked my queue in a while, because it was ridiculously full, and I didn’t know what I would be getting. Once, perhaps? Ratatouille? Across the Universe? Ah, but no. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. It was like the Netflix gods knew that it was Friday, and I would have to watch a baaaad movie. The following is what happens when you don’t follow your first instinct and immediately chase down the mailman to give him the Netflix envelope back.

Supposed Premise: Larry Valentine (Kevin James) is a NY fireman with two kids and a deceased wife, so he needs to change his pension benefits to go to the kids instead of the wife. He can only change them up to a year after her death, however, and that deadline has passed. So he gets his best friend Chuck (Adam Sandler) to pretend to be his “domestic partner” so that he can give the benefits to him, and if Larry dies Chuck will take care of his kids. Hilarity ensues when the government tries to make sure Chuck and Larry are a real gay couple. It’s actually not a terrible premise – sadly, that’s where the whole not-terrible thing ends. (See Left: They're firefighters! Manly! They can't be gay!)

Gay stereotypes make people more accepting, don’t they? Um, no. From Larry’s son who is a tap-dancing musical lover (Ah! He’s GAY!) to Chuck saying to the government investigator – “Yep, it’s all balls and wieners all the time here!’ (Haha! Because they’re GAY!) to the actual shower scene with naked firefighters continually dropping the soap (Prison gays! HA!) all of the gay stuff was really not funny. I wasn’t offended by the disgustingness or the stereotypicalness. More offensive was the fact that it wasn’t amusing. At all. Balls and wieners? I’m not a ten year old boy, so maybe that was my problem. (See Right: They are dressed up as Dracula and an apple for a gay Halloween party, in which they discover people think Chuck is the "girl".)

The Brooklyn accents: I kid you not, near the end of the movie, one of the firefighters ACTUALLY says “I love youse guys!” I’ve never lived in Brooklyn, but I could do a better accent.

Wardrobe: Going again for the Adam-Sandler-is-a-Brooklyn-playboy, he wears a gold chain 24/7. Awesome. Everyone in Brooklyn totally does this, and that’s what makes this movie authentic. (See left: Can you see the chain? Also, awesome robe.)

Watch out for: Tila Tequila as one of the many women who sleep with Chuck. She is such a method actress! Paging Daniel Day-Lewis!

You know the movie’s almost done when: Jessica Biel strips to her underwear and has her “best gay friend” Chuck feel her boobs to prove they’re real. Did you know it is a law that Jessica Biel cannot be in a movie without stripping to her underwear? It’s atonement for Seventh Heaven. (See right: There she goes.)

Conclusion: I actually had to go to my “happy place” during this movie. Unlike Adam Sandler’s happy place in Happy Gilmore, this one did not feature my grandma winning tons of cash or Julie Bowen in lingerie, but it did allow me to think of another, better Adam Sandler movie so I could escape from this horror. (See left: I couldn't find a picture of the Happy Gilmore happy place, so instead enjoy this classic of Bob Barker beating up Adam Sandler) I was not a good Boy Scout – I was unprepared for how truly terrible this movie was going to be. The only time I laughed was when I was crying. Do not, under penalty of death, Netflix this movie.

Dancing Singing Rodents

Alvin and the Chipmunks

I usually enter 50 Cent Tuesday movies with the expectation of seeing something pretty terrible. That is kind of the point. But when the title credits began rolling and I heard the chipmunks sing “You had a bad day” I thought oh crap I might actually enjoy this movie. There are a few movie devices that have a place in my heart, which increase my threshold for the ridiculous. I guess musical rodents should be added to that list.

PREMISE: The chipmunks live in a forest near mountains until the tree they live in is cut down and brought to Los Angeles as a Christmas tree. There, chance encounters with a dog and a muffin basket lead them to aspiring song writer Dave Seville, who has just heard that no one would ever sing any of his songs. (In fairness the first one mentioned something about death and abyss… not exactly mass appeal) The Chipmunks proceed to trash his house, sing some songs, become famous, and leave Dave for the promise of fun and family. (photo at right: Chipmunks become financially successful, become demonic)

The movie was a little to heavy on plots for a children’s movie that relies on a fart joke for a comedic moment. Will Dave get back with his ex girlfriend, will the chipmunks find the family they search for, will Dave get over his commitment issues that apparently extend to small talking rodents, can he save them from evil uncle Ian, and how did chipmunks living in a forest learn to sing, speak english and READ? It’s probably one of those moments where it is best not to ask too many questions but reading!!! WTF?

ACTING: The casting wasn’t bothersome. (though I did find it interesting how an actress who played a 15 year old on “House” was suddenly old enough to have a career and live by herself, see right) Acting was bad. I understand that the furry chipmunks the audience got to see (and hear sing) were not there while they were shooting the movie, but couldn’t they have had like a puppet or something for them to look at. The actors were obviously staring at nothing and trying to interact with and on occasion catch NOTHING.

DANCING: A movie with singing chipmunks who go on tour must include back up dancers for their act. It’s a fact. You took the time with dialogue to tell us what a choreographer does. So… why didn’t you hire one? The “dancers” “dance” like mc hammer in the early 90s. Why not hire the people from Step Up 2 and take it to the streets? (Step up 2 takes it to the streets)

CHIPMUNKS: Every time the movie got kind of annoying and I was little like why did they make chipmunks like waffles, the chipmunks start singing and I was ok with the world. So sue me, my favorite Christmas song is the chipmunk one. It’s fun. Toward the end where they started having the back up dancers I was a little less enthralled with their sound, but if I can find it “you had a bad day” might become the ringtone on my cell phone.

Comparing the old TV show with the new movie. (Left vs. right) I must say I am glad they got rid of the extra long pajama like tunics they were wearing, but did they have to make them look like they want to hijack my car?

BEST LINE OF THE MOVIE: We're talking chipmuncks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. It's not even hard.

CONCLUSION: We would pay 50 cents again to see this movie! No promises about full price admission but if they made a sequel with the Chipettes we would probably go see it for another 50 cents.

Flashback Friday*

The Jane Austen Book Club

Note: Being an Austen enthusiast, as they say, and having already read this ghastly book, I obviously didn’t expect much from this movie. However, I believe I can objectively state that even if you know nothing of Austen’s books, or of this particular book, or of movies in general, you will still find this offering terrible. If aliens ever landed on our planet and tried to see what our culture was like, they would watch this movie and run away screaming in horror. So if they’re bad aliens, like in Independence Day, I have a plan! Call me, Will Smith/Bill Pullman/other random stars!

Supposed Premise: Ack. It hurts my head to even write the supposed premise. Okay, suck it up…and…go. There are five women, each in a various stage of their life, who decide to form a book club where they only discuss Jane Austen books. Also, to round out the number, there is one man, absurdly named Grigg (no, he is not a friendly giant). Sylvia’s husband recently left her for another woman, Sylvia’s daughter, Allegra, is a lesbian with bad taste in women, Bernadette is the crazy, matriarchal leader, Jocelyn is the never-married dog breeder, and Prudie is the married teacher with a disgusting thing for one of her underage students. And their lives perfectly parallel Austen’s heroines! What, you can’t see that already? Silly, silly reader. Just wait. It will be so perfect! (See left: Don't they all look like creatures from another time? Not pictured: Grigg, the only cute one.)

Unbelievable Casting: Amy Brenneman is Hispanic, and you know that because she pronounces her last name with a perfect Spanish accent – Avilaaaa. That is the first and last clue you get to her heritage, besides the absolutely ridiculous times she calls her daughter “Mija”. Jimmy Smits has really gone downhill from his NYPD Blue days (see previous post When Giant Faces Attack) and Maggie Grace is also NOT Hispanic, despite the fact that her hair is dyed brown.

Hair Watch: Emily Blunt, is that a wig? Or just a really terrible haircut? Why is it necessary for you to wear a wig when you have naturally lovely locks and it does nothing for your character? Maybe I should ask Jane… (Compare left to right. Why would the hair people put a wig over that?)

Discussion of the Books: No, Lizzy Bennet would not have been Homecoming queen, you stupid, stupid people. Also, all your insights are stupid. Shut up, and stop disseminating nonsense to the masses.

Sappy Ending: Oh, everyone ends up happy, just like in Austen. Except, in Austen, the bad are not rewarded, whereas here, Sylvia ends up back with her giant-faced, cheating husband, Allegra breaks up with one girlfriend to go out with another, who will surely end up screwing her in a different way, and Jocelyn and Grigg end up together, despite the fact that Jocelyn is horrifically mean to him. Also, the kooky matriarch ends up married to someone who has – gasp- never read Austen. I smell a sequel! (Left: A picture of Hugh Dancy, who plays Grigg, because he was the only good thing about this movie.)

Conclusion: My Netflix queue is still recommending me crap based on this one addition. We hated this movie so much, I considered breaking the disc before returning it to Netflix, in hopes that they would not replace it and inflict this horror on anyone else.

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* Flashback Friday is the day when we watch a terrible movie available now on DVD. Yes, we spend Fridays watching terrible movies. Also, some good ones, but mostly not so much. It is all a public service to help you keep your Netflix queue clear of these atrocities.

P.S. I Hate You

Supposed Premise: Man dies, leaving wife letters to help her "get over him." Really, he's simply preventing her from moving on. But, P.S. HE LOVES HER! (See right: He's not really there! She is imagining he's there reading the letter out loud to her. Creepy.)

Terrible Miscasting: What could be a endearing role if played by Maggie Gyllenhaal or someone equally cute and quirky becomes a disturbingly angry character played by man-woman Hilary Swank. Moments when we should have been falling in love with her we instead shouted at the screen: "Run away Gerard Butler! Save yourself!" Also, she's clearly lying about her age since she is a 34-year-old playing the age range of 19 - 29.

Harry Connick Jr. as a Skeezeball: Instead of a lovable character who says inappropriate things, he mainly just said awkward and borderline rude things. Including that he buried his cat in his stereobox. Aren't you half in love already?

"Mentally-challenged" Sister: Either the actress got her acting chops on Barney or the character really was supposed to scream her lines and look crazy and confused. "I'm at a funeral?" Either way, she did not add to anything. At all.

Hair watch: Hilary Swank should not wear headbands. This does not convince us she is a woman.

Wardrobe: You do not look more 19 just because you are wearing every color of the rainbow. It also doesn't help that you have a cowboy scene painted on your skirt. (See left. Despite the fact the picture is not full length, you can observe the stupid purple hat a la Crying Ricky from Project Runway) Also, she takes off her clothes way too much for a movie where she is mourning her dead husband. Seeing your anorexic body also does not prove to us you're a woman.

Conclusion: We would not pay fifty cents again to see this movie.