The Jane Austen Book Club
Note: Being an Austen enthusiast, as they say, and having already read this ghastly book, I obviously didn’t expect much from this movie. However, I believe I can objectively state that even if you know nothing of Austen’s books, or of this particular book, or of movies in general, you will still find this offering terrible. If aliens ever landed on our planet and tried to see what our culture was like, they would watch this movie and run away screaming in horror. So if they’re bad aliens, like in Independence Day, I have a plan! Call me, Will Smith/Bill Pullman/other random stars!
Supposed Premise: Ack. It hurts my head to even write the supposed premise. Okay, suck it up…and…go. There are five women, each in a various stage of their life, who decide to form a book club where they only discuss Jane Austen books. Also, to round out the number, there is one man, absurdly named Grigg (no, he is not a friendly giant). Sylvia’s husband recently left her for another woman, Sylvia’s daughter, Allegra, is a lesbian with bad taste in women, Bernadette is the crazy, matriarchal leader, Jocelyn is the never-married dog breeder, and Prudie is the married teacher with a disgusting thing for one of her underage students. And their lives perfectly parallel Austen’s heroines! What, you can’t see that already? Silly, silly reader. Just wait. It will be so perfect! (See left: Don't they all look like creatures from another time? Not pictured: Grigg, the only cute one.)
Unbelievable Casting: Amy Brenneman is Hispanic, and you know that because she pronounces her last name with a perfect Spanish accent – Avilaaaa. That is the first and last clue you get to her heritage, besides the absolutely ridiculous times she calls her daughter “Mija”. Jimmy Smits has really gone downhill from his NYPD Blue days (see previous post When Giant Faces Attack) and Maggie Grace is also NOT Hispanic, despite the fact that her hair is dyed brown.
Hair Watch: Emily Blunt, is that a wig? Or just a really terrible haircut? Why is it necessary for you to wear a wig when you have naturally lovely locks and it does nothing for your character? Maybe I should ask Jane… (Compare left to right. Why would the hair people put a wig over that?)
Discussion of the Books: No, Lizzy Bennet would not have been Homecoming queen, you stupid, stupid people. Also, all your insights are stupid. Shut up, and stop disseminating nonsense to the masses.
Sappy Ending: Oh, everyone ends up happy, just like in Austen. Except, in Austen, the bad are not rewarded, whereas here, Sylvia ends up back with her giant-faced, cheating husband, Allegra breaks up with one girlfriend to go out with another, who will surely end up screwing her in a different way, and Jocelyn and Grigg end up together, despite the fact that Jocelyn is horrifically mean to him. Also, the kooky matriarch ends up married to someone who has – gasp- never read Austen. I smell a sequel! (Left: A picture of Hugh Dancy, who plays Grigg, because he was the only good thing about this movie.)
Conclusion: My Netflix queue is still recommending me crap based on this one addition. We hated this movie so much, I considered breaking the disc before returning it to Netflix, in hopes that they would not replace it and inflict this horror on anyone else.
.Note: Being an Austen enthusiast, as they say, and having already read this ghastly book, I obviously didn’t expect much from this movie. However, I believe I can objectively state that even if you know nothing of Austen’s books, or of this particular book, or of movies in general, you will still find this offering terrible. If aliens ever landed on our planet and tried to see what our culture was like, they would watch this movie and run away screaming in horror. So if they’re bad aliens, like in Independence Day, I have a plan! Call me, Will Smith/Bill Pullman/other random stars!
Supposed Premise: Ack. It hurts my head to even write the supposed premise. Okay, suck it up…and…go. There are five women, each in a various stage of their life, who decide to form a book club where they only discuss Jane Austen books. Also, to round out the number, there is one man, absurdly named Grigg (no, he is not a friendly giant). Sylvia’s husband recently left her for another woman, Sylvia’s daughter, Allegra, is a lesbian with bad taste in women, Bernadette is the crazy, matriarchal leader, Jocelyn is the never-married dog breeder, and Prudie is the married teacher with a disgusting thing for one of her underage students. And their lives perfectly parallel Austen’s heroines! What, you can’t see that already? Silly, silly reader. Just wait. It will be so perfect! (See left: Don't they all look like creatures from another time? Not pictured: Grigg, the only cute one.)Unbelievable Casting: Amy Brenneman is Hispanic, and you know that because she pronounces her last name with a perfect Spanish accent – Avilaaaa. That is the first and last clue you get to her heritage, besides the absolutely ridiculous times she calls her daughter “Mija”. Jimmy Smits has really gone downhill from his NYPD Blue days (see previous post When Giant Faces Attack) and Maggie Grace is also NOT Hispanic, despite the fact that her hair is dyed brown.
Hair Watch: Emily Blunt, is that a wig? Or just a really terrible haircut? Why is it necessary for you to wear a wig when you have naturally lovely locks and it does nothing for your character? Maybe I should ask Jane… (Compare left to right. Why would the hair people put a wig over that?)Discussion of the Books: No, Lizzy Bennet would not have been Homecoming queen, you stupid, stupid people. Also, all your insights are stupid. Shut up, and stop disseminating nonsense to the masses.
Sappy Ending: Oh, everyone ends up happy, just like in Austen. Except, in Austen, the bad are not rewarded, whereas here, Sylvia ends up back with her giant-faced, cheating husband, Allegra breaks up with one girlfriend to go out with another, who will surely end up screwing her in a different way, and Jocelyn and Grigg end up together, despite the fact that Jocelyn is horrifically mean to him. Also, the kooky matriarch ends up married to someone who has – gasp- never read Austen. I smell a sequel! (Left: A picture of Hugh Dancy, who plays Grigg, because he was the only good thing about this movie.)Conclusion: My Netflix queue is still recommending me crap based on this one addition. We hated this movie so much, I considered breaking the disc before returning it to Netflix, in hopes that they would not replace it and inflict this horror on anyone else.
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* Flashback Friday is the day when we watch a terrible movie available now on DVD. Yes, we spend Fridays watching terrible movies. Also, some good ones, but mostly not so much. It is all a public service to help you keep your Netflix queue clear of these atrocities.
2 comments:
Can we start a rating system? Because I didn't feel your hate enough in this review. Maybe if you had assigned it -46 stars or something...or like 92 thumbs down.
Ahh Ha! I really appreciate a netflix reference here. It's nice to be able to delete movies that netflix makes look good in an attempt to dust them off from time to time.
I agree with "rachel" a ratings system would be cool. Maybe something like... how many times this movie made you want to vomit or not vomit lol.. just a thought.
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