About five minutes into The Other Boleyn Girl, Anne Boleyn (Natalie Portman) decries that she is the other Boleyn girl, since her younger, more beautiful, blonder, puffier-lipped sister Mary (Scarlett Johansson) is getting married before her. But, wait, isn’t Anne the one you were supposed to have learned about in history class? Isn’t Mary the other Boleyn girl? Well, hold on to your hats, kids, this movie is going to take everything you thought you knew about Tudor England and ignore it to make stuff up instead. Who needs history when you have Wikipedia and a vague idea of how people in the 16th century might have talked?
The Other Boleyn Girl takes an inordinate amount of time setting up the story. Basically Anne and Mary’s father and uncle spend lots of time scheming to pimp either one of the girls off to King Henry VIII (Eric Bana). First he likes Anne, then he falls off of a horse, so he ditches Anne and goes for Mary. The Mary gets pregnant, so he really likes her. But Anne comes back from her six-month, whirlwind, man-enchanting seminar at the French court and Henry’s back to lusting after the other Boleyn girl…or the primary Boleyn girl…whatever.
Anne proceeds to return all his gifts, lecture him about morality and refuse to have sex with him. So, clearly, Henry wants her even more. Since no man can resist a reproving tease. These events take up about 100 of the movie’s 114 minute running time. The last fifth of the movie speeds through England’s break with Rome, Anne’s delivery of two kids – one live, one dead – and her eventual trial for treason and incest, which, gross. Note to director Justin Chadwick: you could have left more of that scene to the imagination, since it most likely never happened anyway.
Luckily Mary throws herself under the bus (horse buggy?) repeatedly, lying for Anne and eventually pleading with Henry to spare Anne’s life. At this point, it becomes clear that some character development at any point in the movie would have been helpful. Because the audience has just watched scene after scene of Anne stealing Mary’s royal boyfriend, getting Mary and her bastard kid banished to the countryside and basically screwing everyone, both in and out of her family circle (literally and figuratively), just so she can become Queen of England. Anne’s kind of a bitch.
And yet, Mary is willing to risk her life to talk Henry into pardoning Anne and sparing her life. Some character development might have also showed the crucial being-dropped-on-her-head-as-a-small-child scenes that would explain why Mary was dumb enough to believe Henry when he said he would let Anne go.
Spoiler Alert: Nope. Henry’s a crazy bastard and Anne gets her head lopped right off. Don’t worry though, Anne gets the ultimate triumph, because as the helpful post script captions tell us, her daughter Elizabeth inherits the throne and becomes the most successful monarch in English history. Too bad Anne’s dead. And too bad this revelation isn’t dramatic at all, because Cate Blanchett’s already made that movie…twice.
The Other Boleyn Girl takes an inordinate amount of time setting up the story. Basically Anne and Mary’s father and uncle spend lots of time scheming to pimp either one of the girls off to King Henry VIII (Eric Bana). First he likes Anne, then he falls off of a horse, so he ditches Anne and goes for Mary. The Mary gets pregnant, so he really likes her. But Anne comes back from her six-month, whirlwind, man-enchanting seminar at the French court and Henry’s back to lusting after the other Boleyn girl…or the primary Boleyn girl…whatever.
Anne proceeds to return all his gifts, lecture him about morality and refuse to have sex with him. So, clearly, Henry wants her even more. Since no man can resist a reproving tease. These events take up about 100 of the movie’s 114 minute running time. The last fifth of the movie speeds through England’s break with Rome, Anne’s delivery of two kids – one live, one dead – and her eventual trial for treason and incest, which, gross. Note to director Justin Chadwick: you could have left more of that scene to the imagination, since it most likely never happened anyway.
Luckily Mary throws herself under the bus (horse buggy?) repeatedly, lying for Anne and eventually pleading with Henry to spare Anne’s life. At this point, it becomes clear that some character development at any point in the movie would have been helpful. Because the audience has just watched scene after scene of Anne stealing Mary’s royal boyfriend, getting Mary and her bastard kid banished to the countryside and basically screwing everyone, both in and out of her family circle (literally and figuratively), just so she can become Queen of England. Anne’s kind of a bitch.
And yet, Mary is willing to risk her life to talk Henry into pardoning Anne and sparing her life. Some character development might have also showed the crucial being-dropped-on-her-head-as-a-small-child scenes that would explain why Mary was dumb enough to believe Henry when he said he would let Anne go.
Spoiler Alert: Nope. Henry’s a crazy bastard and Anne gets her head lopped right off. Don’t worry though, Anne gets the ultimate triumph, because as the helpful post script captions tell us, her daughter Elizabeth inherits the throne and becomes the most successful monarch in English history. Too bad Anne’s dead. And too bad this revelation isn’t dramatic at all, because Cate Blanchett’s already made that movie…twice.
1 comment:
hehe, Cate Blanchett already made that movie... twice. Very nice.
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