This Little Piggy is Kinda Boring

Penelope is not a good movie. I should say it’s not a good movie for adults. Maybe for kids. But I’m not a kid and kids can’t appreciate the hotness that is James McAvoy, so I have to assume that this movie is at least partially directed to adults. But before we get into why it’s not a good movie despite the presence of James McAvoy, let’s talk about the plot.

Several generations ago, Penelope’s family was cursed because one of their blue-blooded lot ditched his lowly scullery maid baby mama to marry a posher lady. So, the baby mama’s mama, who just happens to be a witch, vows that the next girl born to that family will have a pig nose. A few skips down the family tree later and we get Penelope (Christina Ricci), all pig-nosed and pig-eared. Luckily, because witches are never entirely black hearted*, there is a way to break the spell: one of Penelope’s own kind must love her and promise to be with her till death do they part.

This little escape clause sets Penelope’s mom (Catherine O’Hara) on a mission to find some handsome, young, wealthy guy to marry her daughter. Inevitably they all run at the sight of Penelope -- that is until James McAvoy comes along. I don’t remember his character’s name since because I was too busy looking into his gorgeous blue eyes. But IMDB says he plays “Max” and that sounds right…I guess…what sounds better, cobalt or sapphire?

Anyway, it turns out Max is actually down on his luck and in need of cash, so he’s really wooing Penelope just so he can take a picture of her unfortunate schnoz and sell it to a newspaperman named Lemon (Peter Dinklage). But, as is want to happen in such movies, Max falls in love, Penelope finds out he betrayed her and sets out on a voyage of self-discovery.

Penelope runs away from home and hooks up with Annie (Reese Witherspoon). You know Annie is cool (or not) because she wears a leather jacket, braids her hair in random places and rides a Vespa. In case you were wondering, that’s how you know a person is not cool in real life. But Penelope’s sheltered so she lets Annie teach her how to live and tra la la la la, Penelope learns to love herself as she charms the people of her bizarre New York/London-esque metropolis.

Sounds lovely. And the moral of the story is actually ok: learn to like yourself and the rest will follow. (Although, if you have a disfiguring nose, you might want to seek plastic surgery, because unlike Penelope, you most likely weren’t cursed by a witch, so a scalpel’s the only thing that will break that spell). Unfortunately, the cast is surprisingly boring. Catherine O’Hara just isn’t as awesome as she could be, Christina Ricci is really dull and Reese Witherspoon is annoying: Even punk rockers brush their hair, Reese. Bed head doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look disheveled.

But my main complaint is clearly: not enough James McAvoy! He doesn’t do much while Penelope is on her little I-like-me-just-the-way-I-am odyssey. Plus half the people in Penelope’s magical transatlantic city speak with British accents, so why did James McAvoy have to have a quasi-Tennessean drawl? He’s pretty as an American, but God clearly wanted him to be Scottish, which is why he was born in Scotland. Don’t mess with the Will of God, Director Mark Palansky!

That being said, I am totally going to see this movie again because my love for James McAvoy is just that strong, and unlike some other movies he’s been in this year, his character in Penelope doesn’t die of septicemia in some French sewer (spoiler alert: I’m totally not talking about Atonement).

*Critic’s aside: When I make my blood sacrifice and get my witch powers, I will be totally black hearted. There will be no “out” for my curses. When I give you a baboon’s ass on your forehead, it’s staying there, whether someone falls in love with your monkey-butt face or not.